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"Summers of Growing Up and Recovery" - Princeton


ailibai 8 / 21  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
I've been trying to get this one right. I'm mainly concerned about the last paragraph? Honest criticisms, please! Thank you!

The summer of 2009 was my summer of growing up. In July, I went on a three-week exchange trip to France. Without hesitation, I say that this was the best time of my life. Before my first international excursion, I was far from independent. This trip was the first time I had gone anywhere without my parents. I stood in the security line at the airport, waiting for the long line to advance as I tried to relax. I was more nervous about getting lost in the airport than I was about crossing the Atlantic. Despite my worries, I arrived without complications in the tiny, beautiful town of Saint-BenoƮt la Chipotte. Amongst the whitewashed houses, distant pastures of sheep, and perfect gardens, I gained a new sense of self-assurance.

I didn't notice the change at first, but my anxiety and introversion quickly melted away. I was in a different place, meeting different people, and speaking a different language. This required a different me. One night, my host sister and I went to a birthday party with some of her friends. I could hear the techno music blaring inside as we walked up to the building. Any of my friends back in the States could have testified to my hatred of dancing. For the first time, I wasn't timid and scared of embarrassing myself with my less-than-perfect moves. I danced, and not once was I self-conscious. I carried my new perspective back to the United States, this time walking with confidence through the airport.

This last summer was my summer of recovery. In early January, I developed a headache. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but the pain quickly escalated until I could not function at school. I spent the second semester homebound. During the summer, my goal was, of course, to get rid of my headache. I still had a massive amount of homework to do, but I was determined to finish my junior year. I had two conflicting priorities: homework or health? I wasted time trying to work when I was unable to focus. Following my mom's advice, I stopped straining myself and took time to relax. Instead of forcing myself to think, I went for short walks, slept, or listened to quiet music-anything that would ease my tension and pain. I came back to my work with renewed spirits and focus, and I finished everything before the end of the summer. I found that stepping away is sometimes as important as pushing ahead.
Lightning55 3 / 11  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I don't see much to improve. You had a wonderful experience that first summer and you summed it up well. However, I do recommend you improve your 3rd paragraph. I think you're trying to tell us about what you did over the summers right? So, what did you do relaxing as opposed to studying? Did you just sit there and stare outside or did you listen to punk music? A bit more description might give more insight to your life.

Please return the favor? Thank you :)
OP ailibai 8 / 21  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
Better? Any additional things you can find would help. Thanks :)
graceee 3 / 8  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
Nicely done! One thing I would add is the transition from 2nd paragraph to 3rd paragraph. It almost seems like two separate essays.

I carried my new perspective back to the United States, this time walking with confidence through the airport.

While I gained new perspective and confidence over the summer of 2009, I spent last summer recovering. In early January, I developed a headache.

This is just a suggestion. I hope this helps!


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