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"Sunday's donuts" - My dad's fight propelled my ambitions


csc789 2 / 3  
Dec 29, 2014   #1
Please let me know if the essay needs more emotion or anything else! Be as critical as you can!

Common App Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Who was I supposed to go to now when I had an argument with my mom? He promised me that he was going to teach me everything he knew about computer science when I turned thirteen; who was going to do that now? Who was going to take us out for donuts every Sunday as an "end of the week celebration"? As trivial as these questions may seem, these were the thoughts going through my mind while my father was dying in the ICU. It felt as though a promise was being broken, an unspoken promise that he would be there to guide me into the highlights of my life. In less than nine months after his diagnosis, his stage four non-Hodgkin lymphoma had taken his life and his presence was replaced by his portrait that sits in the corner nook of our kitchen counters.

Prior to my father's diagnosis, it never crossed my mind just how crippling cancer is to patients and their families. During and after his treatments, small things I had taken for granted such as hugging or sitting next to him had suddenly become impossible because of his impaired immune system; I had started to cultivate a heavy aversion for the disease. In an effort to educate unaffected peers at my high school, I co-founded the Cancer Awareness Club, which aimed to increase local support for cancer patients and the organizations that were actively working towards combating cancer. Whether it be through crafting and selling origami cranes to raise funds for the American Cancer Society, distributing cancer awareness paraphernalia from various organizations to grocery shoppers, inviting survivors to speak during our school assemblies and club meetings, or sharing our personal experiences, I have continually striven to connect my club's support to the greater community.

I couldn't stop just there- it was undoubtedly evident that there was a larger community in need of help. So I took on the role of Team Leader for my school at all regional Relay for Life events in the San Diego county, involving myself with the organizational process of each event. Because I was able to interact with many others directly affected by cancer, I sensed a prevailing frustration at the disease and a shared determination to eradicate the disease from their lives, the same sentiments that constantly strengthen my resolve to become an oncologist.

When I started the Pathmaker internship at my local hospital, I was overcome with anxiousness arising from the striking similarity of the hospital to the hospital my father was treated in. However, during my first shift, I had become so immersed in the work that the physicians, nurses, and patients were having me do that I didn't have an opportunity to let myself reflect back on the memories I believed had scarred me. It was the experience I had always hoped for: taking vitals, witnessing surgeries, learning the patients' stories; it was the ultimate confirmation that nothing could hold me back from the healthcare field.

My accomplishments with the cancer community during high school have altered the way that I view my father's battle. His memory now fuels my inspiration to fight alongside cancer patients for the rest of my life and serves as a constant reminder that my future is, in no way, scarred by the past. Over the past few years, I have endeavored to expand my involvement in the fight against cancer from my school to the entire San Diego community. Based on this experience, I am confident that my next steps in life will eventually lead to the opportunity to play a direct role, as a medical profession in the global fight against cancer. When that day arrives, I hope to be the person that many others in my father's situation could see as a glimmer of hope during times that seem completely devoid of it. (644)
Dslash 2 / 6 2  
Dec 29, 2014   #2
Some help I can give you:

-which aimed to increase local support

"However, during the first shift I had worked, I had become so immersed by the work the physicians, nurses, and patients were having me do that I didn't even bother to let myself reflect back to the memories I believed had scarred me." - maybe you can elaborate on one specific event that made you reflect? This is a little too general. Maybe something like" I became equally preoccupied as the surgeons speeding through the hallways. I realized that my mind was too focused on taking other patient's blood pressures and filling our nurse's forms to let myself reflect back on the memories I believed had scarred me." and then combine the next sentence together by saying that despite your early traumatic experiences, "it was the ultimate confirmation that nothing could hold be back from the health field."

Overall, an amazing common app story. The previous line was just a suggestion as I though you can shorten that paragraph just a little more. However, I see nothing else wrong with your common app essay!

Can you also take a look at my Cornell essay by chance?
Air_97 1 / 3 2  
Dec 29, 2014   #3
This is a really good essay, but I do think you need a little bit more emotion. The school is going to be able to see all of the work you have done in health care and in community service, and since the essay is about how your fathers cancer caused your ambition, I think you should really analyze your feelings during the ordeal of your fathers decline and how you felt when you started working with charities. I think focusing on the transition of emotions would also make the essay a bit more fluid, as the feel there is a rough transition from the first part of your essay (focusing on your father) to the second. If anything the second and middle might be the only places where more emotion is needed. The beginning is done beautifully. Sorry it this was not helpful.

We chose the same prompt so I would be really appreciative if you took a look at my common app essay.
surfbort 3 / 4 1  
Dec 29, 2014   #4
Some parts seem too affected by fancy words, or worded awkwardly altogether:
I had started to culminate a heavy aversion for the disease
I was overcome with a sense of anxiousness and familiarity to the hospital to my father's hospital
I hope to be the person that many others in my father's situation can see as a glimmer of hope during times that seem devoid of it.

Just keep it simple.

Great story, but I agree it needs a little more emotion. You talk about how certain things happened during your father's cancer; if you can adequately express exactly how you felt during those times I'm sure your essay will get you anywhere!
EmelyMorales 4 / 12 3  
Dec 29, 2014   #5
Really good story. Really nice and there are some great things you have done. Conceptually, it is perfect.
The one critique would be that I think you jump from talking about the little things that you had taken for granted to talking about your peers and creating the club. That would be my only thing, but of course, that is just my opinion. Other than that, a very very nice essay.


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