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'a sunset orange' - University of California: Prompt 1

uscuscusc 9 / 27 2  
Sep 23, 2012   #1
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Looking through the window with blurred vision, all I could see was a sunset orange illuminating the sky, occasionally seeing a building outline or human shape. All I could feel were the hot, heavy tears running down my burning cheek. Suddenly the houses had stopped moving; she put the car in park, then the tender dear voice of my aunt, brought forth the question I had anticipated the whole ride there, "Are you sure you want to do this?" Then I unconsciously opened the door.

I stepped out the car, bracing myself for anything that I might face, and then I turned around. My hearing was faint; all I could see was my mom on her knees, crying and begging him, for what? I could not hear. I must have clicked the slowdown button, because everything was in slow motion, and all I could hear was the howling wind passing by the trees and through my hair, blowing away my tears. I cried out, "Mommy!" She did not even flinch my way, so I ran across the street, pulled her up from the ground, but her hands pushed me away as if I were a thief trying to rob all she had. He shouted at her; she begged at him, and I pleaded at her; all of our voices floated around us; yet all I could hear was the wind. He pushed my mother away from the car door and started to drive away, but she ran after him oblivious to my existence, and I was left emotionally motherless, in the middle of the street- alone.

I grew up in a world that started with both of my parents; once they divorced, they became self-centered and forgot they had children. My parents' divorce caused their families great disappointment, and my parents became the family screw-ups, incapable of doing anything to better themselves. I grew up in a world where everyone around me thought of me as a miniature person of my parents, therefore everyone expected me to fail.

Once upon a time, I thought their recklessness had rubbed off on me; but in efforts to distinguish myself, my sophomore year, I attended a summer program at California State University of Bakersfield (CSUB) called REVS-UP. German, my friend, mentioned it was a program about the sciences, and since I happened to love science, especially biology, I decided to apply, and even if I didn't get accepted, I would be proud of myself for at least trying. So I applied, and I got in! I had the opportunity to work with four other students from different schools, a biology professor who taught there, and students who attended there. We gramed stained our bacteria and grew literally hundreds of bacteria on petri dishes. Every day I participated in REVS-UP, I always got out of bed five minutes before my alarm clock; REVS-UP showed me my passion arising. Participating in REVS-UP accentuated my passion for biology, and it showed me that I want a career that I will love, no dragging myself out of bed every morning, but a career that will ignite me to get up five minutes before my alarm clock. My participation in REVS-UP shaped not my dream, but my future of becoming a pediatrician because it would be something that I would love to do for the rest of my life.

I first took biology in my sophomore year with the infamous Mrs. Riley, who got me hooked to biology just by her genuine interest in the subject, so this year I returned to her class, but for AP Biology to reunite with my ardour. I have a passion for biology because most of what is knowable is still unknown. This is why biology has spurred my fascination for the medical field, and it is also the reason as to why I am going to attend a medical conference at CSUB on October 5th. I love anything and everything of biology because I know there is something out there just waiting to be discovered, that could change someone's life or the entire world.
admission2012 - / 478 90  
Sep 23, 2012   #2

This essay is good but I feel it is a little too negative - especially how you portray your parents - you can get the same point across simply by saying that the divorce caused chaos and you found solace, passion and focus in biology. Also, talk a little bit about what you future plans with a bio degree are. Once you do this, this essay should be perfect. -AAO
OP uscuscusc 9 / 27 2  
Sep 24, 2012   #3
Okay thanks, I'll try looking at what I can change, thanks again!

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