Thank you for reviewing my essay! Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt- What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
It was late at night and my family was watching the news. As usual, I sat on the sofa concerned about how I could conquer the next level in Super Mario. I rarely worried myself with the perplexing world of grown-ups; but this time, it was different. After the usual news report, a sixty-minute program was featured focusing on the latest discoveries in neuroscience. Being deeply passionate and enthusiastic about science, I quickly directed my attention to the TV. For the first time, I felt how it is like to be in love. I was not only captivated by the beauty and complexity of the brain, but also stimulated by the challenging idea that human perception is an amalgamation of visual and auditory information.
I believed that our understanding of our environment is only visual-based. Hearing that auditory information was equally important was unsettling, but yet gave me the motivation to explore the topic. I read The Tell-Tale Brain written by neuroscientist V. S. Ramachandran, which further substantiated the claim made in the program. To reach an accurate understanding, I decided to conduct an experiment myself. With the help of my psychology teacher, I designed an experiment to test human perception. The results refuted my view and I finally had sufficient proof to correct my mistaken belief. The process of designing the experiment, as a whole, marked perhaps the best moments of my life. By the end of this project, I had discovered my innermost desire, which is studying and conducting research in neuroscience.
I think you have a great basis for your essay here. The curiosity and passion you touched on are both traits you want to emphasize. I think you just need to fine tune the details. Grammar aside, it read well, but I wasn't able to get a very clear picture of what exactly it was that you zeroed in on. Also, the way it read to me, it sounded more as though you were attempting to disprove the study's claim and affirm your own belief rather than test its validity. To me, it came across as slightly arrogant, but it may not read that way to others. Anyway, I think with some fine tuning, you can make this a powerful essay. Let me know if you want to go into the mechanics of it as well.
hi, thank you so much for your input! You mentioned grammar aside, things were good. Can you tell me if i had any grammar error and how i can fix them? Thanks
Just try to make sure the tenses of your vebs match each other and make sense in the context where they're used. For example, you start by saying your family was "watching" the news but then you say you "sat" on the sofa. In this case, "was sitting" would make the sentence flow more smoothly than "sat". That kind of thing. The only other error that jumped at me was using "but yet" as opposed to "yet it" or simply "but". These are the things I noticed, but as I'm not an expert on the english language I may have missed something. I hope this helps.
of course that helped. Thank you so much!
The content is unique and I enjoyed how you linked a video game to neuroscience. Just a few grammar corrections to help it flow: Instead of saying "For the first time, I felt how it is like to be in love." I would say "For the first time, I knew what love felt like." Things like that really make a difference. Also, double check to make sure verb tense matches. Just something I saw about structure as well: Your first paragraph talks about how you fell in love with neuroscience and felt very personal but the second paragraph read almost like a research paper or analysis. Both paragraphs are great but I would recommend maybe adding another sentence of two at the end of the first paragraph to link them more smoothly.
WOW! your input really helped. I greatly appreciate it :)
