Hey, e'r'body, I am looking for some input on my BU essay. It's my favorite realistic school (second only to an ivy, haha. Anyways, i made two (kind of) i feel the first one gets more to the point, but the second once captures me more. Also looking for a little grammar help. There are also some things that i'm not sure I should leave in or not. tell me what you think! ANY AND ALL feedback is GREATLY appreciated. thank you~ here it is:
prompt:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
friendly, involved, and dedicated
Three words that best describe me are friendly, involved, and dedicated. I'm a corky, funny guy who loves having fun and getting to know new people. I have a unique sense of humor, and I'm not afraid to try new things. I make new friends often, and I treat each and every one with love and respect. Recently, my classmates and I went on a four-day retreat called Kairos. Kairos was an opportunity for everyone to share their thoughts and feelings with each other. I bonded on an extraordinary level with my forty-eight fellow retreatants. It was an amazing experience that allowed us to become a true brotherhood. Kairos taught me to be completely honest with myself and others, as well as to cherish every single relationship that I have. I try to foster new relationships and make new friends every day.
Aside from being a friendly person, I am also involved. I'm active in several extra-curricular activities at my school. Being involved with my school allows me to pursue my interests and even make positive changes around school. For instance, I am currently working on a proposal to get plastic recycling at my school. After school activities also allow me to interact with people like underclassmen whom I normally wouldn't be able to meet otherwise, as well as spend time with friends whom I don't see very often throughout the day.
I also volunteered at my local library over the summer, and am currently volunteering through the York Rescue Mission and at a local retirement home. Volunteering is an amazing activity that has given me the opportunity to give back to my community, and has allowed me to learn from people of all different backgrounds.
Though I am so involved with my school and community, I am still dedicated to my family. I have two little brothers who are three and five years old. They mean the world to me. I try to be as big a part in their lives as I can. As their older brother, I have a responsibility to set a good example for them. I read to them daily, work hard in school, and try to be the best person I can be. My dedication to them motivates me to be dedicated in everything that I do.
By getting along with other students, becoming involved in the BU community, and bringing my dedication to everything I do, I will help the BU community come closer together and succeed in any task set before us
(really tremendously dislike the last sentence. help?)
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Okay, here's my second thing that i typed up. You're going to see some same/similar sentences throughout:
Prompt: see above
After nights and nights of slaving over a hot laptop, pouring idea after idea onto a word document in search of that which can decide my future; I have finally found the three words that epitomize what it means to be Scott Shaw. I am a friendly, caring, and dedicated person. I'm a major dork, but in a good way. I have a unique, corky sense of humor, and I am not afraid to do what I love, even if it means looking silly in front of other people. I am outgoing towards everyone. I make friends easily. My funny personality attracts people. I love to get to know people and try new things. I'm active in several extra-curricular activities at my school. Being involved in my school has helped me pursue my interests and causes that I care about. Even to the point of being able to make positive changes around school. For instance, I am currently working on a proposal to get plastic recycling at my school. My after-school activities also allow me to interact with people like underclassmen whom I normally wouldn't be able to meet otherwise, as well as spend time with friends whom I don't see very often throughout the day. My friends are very important to me. I care for them very much. Recently, my classmates and I went on a four-day retreat called Kairos. Kairos was an opportunity for everyone to share their thoughts and feelings with each other. I bonded on an extraordinary level with each of my forty-eight fellow retreatants. It was an amazing experience that transformed us into a true brotherhood. Kairos taught me to be completely honest with myself and others, as well as to cherish every single relationship that I have. I try to foster new relationships by making new friends as often as I can.
I am dedicated to my family and in everything that I do. I have two little brothers who are three and five years old. They mean the world to me. Most of what I do, I do for them. I try to be as big a part in their lives as I can. As their older brother, it is my duty to set a good example for them. I read to them daily, work hard in school, and try to be the best person I can be. My devotion to them motivates me to work with dedication in everything that I do.
I will contribute to the BU community by getting along with other students, bringing people closer together, strengthening the bonds of the BU family, and working with dedication in every aspect of life at BU.
PLEASE let me know what you think! every little bit of feed back helps!! especially on the second one (because it was sort of rushed)
thank you!!!!! :DDid you change "involved" to "caring" in the second essay?
When you say "corky," do you mean "quirky?"
Also, the second essay has a lot of short sentences. It seems almost too basic, like you couldn't write more complex sentences. There are these 4 short sentences in a row: "I am outgoing towards everyone. I make friends easily. My funny personality attracts people. I love to get to know people and try new things." For those 4 sentences, the essay suddenly becomes boring.
I agree that the last sentence of the first essay needs work. However, you can just use the last sentence of the second essay because it is a lot better.
For the first essay, you talk about two examples of you being involved. I think that expanding more on one of them would be more effective.
I like the organization of the first essay, but the second essay is a little more interesting, especially with the beginning. You need to make the paragraph breaks distinct in your second essay because the paragraphs about being friendly and caring blend together too much. In a way, I think you should mix the two essays together.
I think your grammar is fine. There are no major problems.
Good luck! I'm applying to BU too :)
thanks a bunch! I've actually decided to go with the second essay, though i've changed it tremendously today. yeah, sorry that it was pretty bad in terms of short sentences and stuff. i wrote it at 4 am, lol. i really appreciate the advice!
alright, here s my edit. It's based more off of the second essay than the first. Let me know what you think. Once again, any and all feedback is appreciated!!:
I am a friendly, caring, and dedicated person. I'm a little bit dorky, but in a good way. I have a unique, quirky sense of humor, and I am not afraid to do what I love, even if it means looking silly in front of other people. I am outgoing towards everyone, and I make friends easily. My funny personality attracts people. I love to get to know people and try new things. I'm active in several extra-curricular activities at my school. This has allowed me to interact with people like underclassmen whom I normally wouldn't be able to meet otherwise, as well as spend time with friends whom I don't see very often throughout the day.
My afterschool activities have also allowed me to pursue my interests and causes that I care about. Even to the point of being able to make positive changes around school. For instance, I am currently working on a proposal to get plastic recycling at my school.
My friends are very important to me. I care for them very much. Recently, my classmates and I went on a four-day retreat called Kairos. Kairos was an opportunity for everyone to share their thoughts and feelings with each other. I bonded on an extraordinary level with each of my forty-eight fellow retreatants. It was an amazing experience that transformed us into a true brotherhood. Kairos taught me to be completely honest with myself and others, as well as to cherish and care for every single relationship that I have. I try to foster new relationships and make new friends as often as I can.
I am dedicated to my family in everything that I do. I have a duty to my parents to succeed. My mother raised me as a single mother from a first generation Colombian family. She worked with tremendous dedication. She was able to earn a degree at a local college while working two jobs to support me. She now works at Johns Hopkins, and supports a family of five. My mother succeeded against the odds through hard work and dedication to her family. I owe everything to my mom, and she is my role model. I try to be more like her by working with the same dedication. I have two little brothers who are three and five years old. They mean the world to me. I try to be as big a part in their lives as I can. As their older brother, I have a responsibility to set a good example for them. I read to them daily, work my hardest in school, and try to be the best person I can be. My family motivates me to work with dedication in all of my endeavors.
I will contribute to the BU community by getting along with other students, bringing people closer together, strengthening the bonds of the BU family, and working with dedication in every aspect of life at BU.
Hey there. :D
Your essay was well written but there are a few things you could probably fix. First thing was, I didn't know what your three words were. I had to read the essay twice before I realized they was in the first sentence. I think the problem was that you didn't reference those words in you essay and it threw me off. Since you have your three words so early on in the essay try to reference them later so that the reader remembers what they are.
Secondly is the flow in your essay between paragraphs is a bit choppy. Try to smooth that out with different sentences.
There weren't any grammar things I could fix, so good job on that. :]
I hope I helped a bit. Take a look at my BU essay if you have the time. Thanks!
Hi again :)
When you transition from the paragraph about causes you care about to your friends who you care about, at first I thought you were starting to describe the next word. You should put these two in the same paragraph and add a good transition sentence such as "Another thing I care about is friendship."
In the dedication paragraph, you talk a lot about your mom. It's good to make the point that you are inspired by your mom's achievements, but you mention a lot of unnecessary details. This essay is about you, and so outside information should be minimal.
Overall, the new version is great! Hopefully you get these comments before you submit, but if you don't I bet you will be fine anyway.
Thanks! i did actually submit this last night, but i did end up making a transition similar to the one you suggested, and took out a little about my mom. thanks for all of your feedback everyone! it truly helped!!
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