Supplemental essay for Brandeis: what could you talk about for hours?

hi! i know this is a little last minute, but i need help shortening the introduction part (the gist of k-pop) and lengthening what it means to me. any other advice is appreciated as well :) thanks!

prompt:

Tell us about something you could talk about for hours and why.

As soon as I click on the blurry video thumbnail, music blares from the laptop speakers, paired with idols dressed in gaudy clothing. It's enough, just enough to elicit a smile from me.

Korean pop music. It's flashy, loud, and often freaky- but that's only on the outside. Since sophomore year, I've found myself falling into the rabbit hole of a music genre that didn't even exist in my world before high school.

K-Pop is a genre of music I've never seen replicated anywhere. Its unique in its creativity, eye-catching in its aesthetics, and mesmerizing in its display of talents. It takes inspiration from multiple music genres and fuses them into something completely distinct. It's why I find myself spending much of my free time listening to it.

Moving past the music aspect, it's a place where I see myself represented as more than just brains or whatever stereotype you see fit. K-Pop showcases Asian individuals with talents outside of, or in place of, dull stereotypes. Recently, Asian idols have been gaining popularity in the states, and with the exception of a few close minded individuals, they've received warm welcomes based on their talents. It fills me with a sense of pride to see people like me who excel in these unconventionally Asian dominated fields of work. Seeing Asian representation in other fields has given me more confidence in excelling in areas that stereotypes don't exactly follow.

Hi lycheepeach12, so far great work with the language. Perhaps to shorten your introduction you should use your last paragraph as one of your main body paragraphs. Assuming from what you have said in the last paragraph "stereotyping" is like a main idea. Also explain what other aspects are in your main paragraph in the intro. Otherwise the introduction has really stood out. Great job! :)

Anne, you don't really need to go into the creative narrative of your opening statement. That doesn't really work to make the essay stand out. If you start instead by saying; "Korean pop music. It's flashy..." you accomplish two things immediately. You refer to the topic of the essay and you introduce the unique aspects of the music that can have you talking endlessly for hours on end. Go straight into the current 3rd paragraph to create your new second paragraph, you will have described what makes it unique and add to the reasons why you can talk incessantly about this music genre. I am not sure you should include the stereotype discussion though. It seems to deviate from the focus on music, which is what the essay is all about, and moves into the realm of self analysis and acceptance. Which, I think, is not related to the discussion you originally presented. If you discuss the music, then focus on that throughout. If you want to discuss how K-Pop made you understand your Asian heritage more, then discuss that. Try to not mix the two in one essay so that the reviewer will only have to remember one memorable discussion topic in your essay.