Hello guys! Please help me revise this Yale supplemental essay, and I'll be really grateful for that! Thank you so much!
And if there are some paragraphs that can be abbreviated? To me every word seems necessary, so I'll happily welcome any criticism! : )
FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE
I've been asking myself one question that with my education who will I work or fight for? And I've always holding that answer, "For you, Lily. For everyone."
Three years ago, I volunteered to tutor Lily who's three years younger than me and was said to be "incorrigible". As her mum Ms. Chen had told me, Lily was slow because of relatively low intelligence. But not as she had told me, Lily was indeed so kind, pure and warm-hearted. Before we met every weekend, she had prepared tea and chocolate Muffins she baked for me. And everytime I got stuck on how to explain a question or a concept, she acted as the best listener in this world with full trust on me. She was actually my best student.
That was not true for Ms. Chen, however. During the course, she acted like a spotter and just ignored her daughter's feelings. I hoped that Lily had been blind to that. But no, she did feel. She said that there's no chance for her to pass the high school entrance exam, and that deep inside her she knew what consumed her was cooking-with love. Later I talked to Ms. Chen, telling her that Lily had done her best, and that her values would be better reflected in other things. Nevertheless, she said that all the teachers had sentenced Lily to "death", for "she just can't go on to high school and college". Ms. Chen did believe them. In the end of the tutorship, though we had tried hard, Lily still had no competence in exams. She was, anyway, grateful for what I had served. I left a card for her saying that I love her, and I believe in her future despite what others may say.
But Lily, how am I going to let you know more that you are unique, good and nice enough to receive your own success? How am I going to tell those like you that you are not stumped here because diplomas or golden bowls do not stand for happiness? How am I going to tell everyone that you've got your own values, and you deserve dignity and respect?
How could I be heard by this crowded world?
That's what I am eager to find in Yale, which I'm sure I will. The education I've received so far tends to give respect to every real winner. We run after the strong and chase for money, fame and power. But what has been cementing my courage and faith is never a first prize or a full mark; it's the things I've done to help others-the tutorship, the school carnival, and the Week for Charity. It's the happiness of helping one more person finding who he is and receiving her values. Yes we should care about making a decent life. Yet, the bigger things-human rights, justice and freedom, are never less important. However hard it is, I can stilll see many people fighting for children and women, for people from different classes, for those who are weak. The group of those people is the one that I want to become part of in the future. If there ought to be one sentence running through my whole life, I know it will only be that one: FOR YOU; FOR EVERYONE.
Lowercase 'muffins'
There are many redundancies. Look for them; I am sure you can find them easily.
Also, use comma, not semi-colon for the last sentence (should be "For you, for everyone.") I suggest using lower cases.
My overall suggestion is to read it aloud. The best judges for your essay are your own ears. :)
I really like your opening and ending paragraph, attracted readers a lot. Good luck on your application.. I wish I could apply for Yale, thats such a place where every student's dream begins.
