Prompt : Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
It was supposed to be a calm evening. It was supposed to be a relaxing walk in the park. Little did I know, that night would become one of the scariest in my life. It was 10. After 5 hours, my family and I had finally arrived We had been looking forward to this trip for over a year, and could not believe the beauty of it. The vast park looked as if it was eager to be explored. We decided to stay at a local hotel and venture into the park the next day.
Bob, this essay does not work to answer the prompt mainly because you did not mature through the experience. There was no right of passage because you were found by a park ranger after your worried family asked the park personnel to look for their missing child. You did not have to take responsibility for anything in this instance because there were no repercussions for you. It would have been a different case if you had survived a bobcat attack alone, with no help to be found. That would be a true right of passage and mark of adulthood.
There was nothing in this essay that marked your transition to adulthood. You need to go back and find another event that happened in your life that would better describe such an event. Try to recall such an event in your life. I am sure something along those lines exist for you. This park story just isn't the one that you should use because you got lost and were found by someone else. If you found your family using other means, that did not require the help of a park ranger, then the essay may have worked better for you.
The topic you chose seems to be explorable. The experience must be meaningful and personal for you, and such experience are the hardest to communicate. But in this essay, you have to do it. You must write more about your feeling rather than details that won't alter the story, in which you wrote way too many.
Is these neccessary?
"Equipped with all sorts of gear to ensure our survival, we decided to head into the park the next day. We received a plethora of information at the Visitor center"
"I admired the beauty of the sequoia trees as we were walking"
You didn't address the essay prompt, which is a fatal mistake. You haven't tell how this event marked your transition from childhood to adulthood, which the essay is asking for. As much as I caught, you had a fearful experience, but just that. Nothing more.
Also, personal essays are not Aesop's fables, you can't just write "From this experience, I learned to be more confident and take responsibility" in the end of your story without further reasoning (you did not explain logically how the experience taught you to be confident and responsible). Maybe you can say, "the fear and the loneliness had forced me to be more confident and responsible , as I had nobody to rely on. I was no longer a children who depend on other people."
After all, good luck on your university application. Please review my essay too :D
Edited : Please respond! Il edit yours if you edit mine
It was supposed to be a calm evening. It was supposed to be a relaxing walk in the park. Little did I know, that night would become one of the scariest in my life. It was 10 pm. After 5 hours, my family and I had finally arrived. We had been looking forward to this trip for over a year, and could not believe the beauty of it. The vast park looked as if it was eager to be explored. We decided to stay at a local hotel and venture into the park the next day.
We decided to head into the park the next day. Upon the information we recieved at the visitor center, we ultimately decided to hike on a canyon trail. To be prepared for our journey, we brought along plenty of water and snacks. We geared up and were on our way. With a keen interest in the exotic species, I tried to identify various types of trees and animals. I noticed an unknown creature trotting away. "I'll catch up with you guys", I told my family. They continued on the path while I mindlessly followed the creature. It had a short tail and its coat was a shade of beige with spots on it, unlike anything I had seen before. After following it for a while, I was able to get a close-up view, and determined it to be a bobcat. When I realized it, it was too late - I had wandered off the trail.
Never been in this situation before, I was utterly confused. What do I do? Since there was no cell phone reception, I knew calling for help was out of the picture. I recalled that I had my compass on me, and that the trail was North. I followed the compass for about 10 minutes, when I realized I was in completely unfamiliar territory. I looked down and stopped. The compass was magnetically attracted to my belt. I had been going in the wrong direction the whole time. At this point, I realized I could not freak out and would have to be responsible and get back to the trail. I would have to abandon all fears and go in "survival mode" if I were to get to safety. "Help!!! Help!!!", I screamed, but the howling winds was the only response. Trying to backtrack my route, I only got deeper into the wilderness. Suddenly, I heard a snarling sound come from behind me. It was a feral animal which had large claws and a powerful, muscular body, indicating that it was not friendly. To make matters worse, the animal slowly started coming closer. I had no idea what to do, as I had always relied on my parents for help. Quivering, I tried to move back to get to higher ground, and hopefully sprint away. However, my plan backfired, as when I moved, the creature only snarled more viciously. Panicking, I quickly reached down and picked up some rocks, hoping to be able to defend myself. As the creature made no attempt to run away and was only advancing, I decided to throw the rocks. As accurately as I could, I aimed and tossed the rocks at the creature. Surprisingly, it decided to back off and flee as I struck it with rocks. A wave of relief rushed throughout my body. I felt accomplished since I did not need anyone to help me and was able to come up with a solution on my own. The fear and loneliness had forced me to become more confident and responsible, as I had nobody to rely on out there.
Bob, reading your essay, I cannot help, in the mindset of the admissions officer, but wonder if you had just made up the story. There is no way you could have survived a bobcat attack or any attack in the forest unscathed. You would have had at least had some bruising and minor injuries from the brawl with such an animal. It is important that you be truthful in your essay. Can't you relate a story that is closer to the truth in your life? This sounds like a scene right out of a Hollywood movie. It is too unrealistic. Isn't there a moment in your life when your parents left you in charge of yourself? This could be something as simple as staying alone for the weekend at the family home, taking care of a younger sibling, or even taking a trip without your parents for the first time. You need to present an essay that does not sound fictional. You need to represent yourself truthfully in what is your preliminary interview with the admissions officer, who can tell if you are making up a story to impress him or her from a mile away. That won't work, it won't serve the purpose of the essay prompt. Please revise the essay and see if you can do something to make it more believable and real. Talk about you, not Indiana Jones :-)