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Surrounded by spices - Looking through the window ;Williams College


collegehopeful9 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2012   #1
First post. Please review my potential essay guys. I wanted to do something different for this essay, so that's why I made an account over here to get your views.

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

Sitting in my room, I gaze through the windowpane and focus my eyes on a familiar view. On the second-floor balcony of our residence, my mother is seated on a plastic pedestal, with her face engrossed in fumes as tear shimmer from her eyes. Surrounded by spices, two cans of water, a bowl full of lentils and a make-shift rocket stove, my mother is forced to cook our full day's meal on a six-inch wide terrace. On hot and humid summer mornings, her body is inundated in sweat as she moves from room to room, collecting ingredients and scurrying to take them to balcony before the water boils beyond its simmering point. On other days when a nippy, pleasantly zestful chilly weather serves as a respite for some, my mother is tested to the limit, as she anxiously waits for the wind's pace to drop behind so that the conditions become feasible to safely light fire on a stove - our source of bread and butter.

Every afternoon when my mother calls our family to convene at the dining table for lunch, I can fathom the pain and discomfort she has to endure to satiate our appetites. As I much on each bite of her delicious food, I can't help but reflect upon my mother's tenacity. Forced to cook food on the terrace for the past three years, her resolve has grown with each passing day. Ever since the day she decided not to use the downstairs kitchen after breaking ties with my uncle's wife, she has stood firmly by her decision. Even though every night she prays to God that her dream of having a home becomes true, she wakes up modestly each morning and humbly assumes the duties of an average house-wife.

I often reflect on the rustic conditions we live in and my mother's tenacious resolve when I stroll on the terrace. As I maneuver through the coiled gas-pipe connected to the stove, I try to vicariously live through my mother's experiences, hoping to someday be able to imitate her unshakeable personality.

Words: 344
linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 10, 2012   #2
A very touching essay. I love it. But perhaps can you mention how you try to help your mother? This is just something you could add but otherwise its a great essay.

Good Luck
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 10, 2012   #3
Your essay is very good. You have brought out your emotions really nicely. It is nicely constructed and very clear as well. But you are over the word limit which is a real shame because this is such a nice essay as it is. :/
OP collegehopeful9 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2012   #4
I don't think 44 words would hurt much.

My Amherst essay is 70 words above the limit and each of my essays are around 40-50 words above the limit. I don't think this'll be such a big issue :/
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 10, 2012   #5
Ah that's good to hear. :D

It would be a shame to cut down on your essay. But do be careful. Better safe than sorry right?? :)
OP collegehopeful9 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2012   #6
Yes, I'll try to cut it down by 10-15 words, and I'll most certainly try to cut down on my Amherst essay, from 370 to around 340 or so.

But going 40-50 words above the limit won't hurt much.

Anyone else? Views on the essays? How can I improve it?
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Dec 10, 2012   #7
Hello,

First, let me say, the general rule is to never go over 5-10% of the max limit. You have passed this so this will probably be flagged on your application. However, more importantly, I am a little concerned about the content. Whenever you talk about family dynamics, it forces the admissions team to become more judgmental than they really should be. While you are really proud of your mother, I am afraid that colleges might think this type of behavior is bizarre. Colleges like when students work together through good and bad situations, and they love seeing examples of this. After reading what you wrote here, it seems as though your mother chose the harder route by refusing to either come to an amicable resolution with her sister in law or by allowing the situation to deteriorate to that point. Again, admissions officers have no business in this matter, but when you specifically write about it, you force them to form an opinion as they are after all human. I would highly reconsider removing a few elements here to focus your essay solely on your mother's tenacity. -AAO
salehrama10 6 / 16 1  
Dec 10, 2012   #8
Again, admissions officers have no business in this matter, but when you specifically write about it, you force them to form an opinion as they are after all human. I would highly reconsider removing a few elements here to focus your essay solely on your mother's tenacity.

Agreed. Remember to only present what you're willing to get judged on. Anything in the essay should relate to your main reason for writing this but never go into anything that could be a little too negative. And as far as the word count, I believe that you should stay within your limit. Don't go above
OP collegehopeful9 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2012   #9
Admissions2012,

Yes, that's why I intend to cut this essay down to around 330 words.

Secondly, I agree with your second point. I'll definhitely edit the second paragrap. Apart from that, is the essay good to go ?

Salehrama10,

Any advice on what elements should I delete from my essay?

Apart from these elements, is the essay good enough to send to Williams?
salehrama10 6 / 16 1  
Dec 10, 2012   #10
Pretty much like what admissions2012 said, colleges like to see how a tough situation has had a positive impact on you. Try to discuss the good that came out of this event.
OP collegehopeful9 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2012   #11
So, apart from deleting a few elements, do you think the essay still needs major editing?
tak_jpn 1 / 2  
Dec 20, 2012   #12
collegehopeful9
HI! i think its a great essay with vivid writing. i mostly agree with the other people, but one thing. i think you should limit your essay to 300 words. (thats what Williams wants: Please limit your statement to 300 words.)


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