Hi guys. i hope you can criticize my essay as this is very important to me. any suggestions are highly appreciated :)
i am applying for fashion merchandising management to FIT . the question is "why are you the perfect candidate for FIT? what makes you interested in that major you're applying to?"
Summer sale is over. Racks are empty. Mannequins have been undressed. Floral wall-covering has been replaced by hand-painted terracotta-colored maple leaves. Cashmere sweater, faux-fur coat, and knee-high boots are in lines, all ready. Two hours ago, my very last friend was adopted - yes, the one with red soles. Me over her? Impossible! She has the charm. Hand-stitched to perfection. Dusted with diamonds. Half-priced. Moi? Plain brown thing your granny would wear. I'm not a lifetime investment.
2006. That's exactly how I felt towards my best friend.
Count to ten. Imagine walking down the hall. You politely ease your way through the group gathered in front of the class. Then, there it was. "The" legendary table - with three-sentence conversation written anonymously.
"Beth's pretty."
"What about her friend?"
"Katy pretty? What a joke! "
Now consider yourself Katy. Ouch. No worries. Katy wasn't you.
Katy was me.
It wasn't an issue until our principal mentioned this during an assembly attended by all eighth graders. I was too big to cry, but it hurt too much to laugh. I stood in front of the mirror later, and criticized EVERYTHING I saw. My self-esteem dropped to its lowest point when I realized I was trying to be "Beth": a mistake I wanted to end. My alter ego was born. I began building newfound pieces of myself.
2011.
Undoubtedly, I have the same addiction as Becky Bloomwood (Sophie Kinsella's infamous character). My mutual relationships with discount cards are enviable. Perfectly-draped ombre-charmeuse stimulates my brain to instantly fall for its beauty. The scent of Italian leather never fails to impress me. I was drawn to a new "role": personal shopper/ wardrobe consultant to several friends. Shopping without threatening your wallet, come on, who wouldn't want that?
I secretly felt like a hero, sometimes. Not the kind who dressed up in a black lacquered cat-suit, obviously. Just a nerd behind geeky-glasses who flips pages of Vogue for inspiration and spends Saturdays observing stores and people-watching for market-trends reference. Being the bridge between customers (read: friends) and supply market (read: brands) became an art form for me: Orchestration of colors, textures, proportions, and presentations are the most enjoyable repertoire.
April 1st. 5 PM. I rushed downstairs. Piles of mails had just arrived. There they were: decision letters.
My thoughts were running everywhere.
"5 minutes, and I'm a fashion student!"
"Aren't they supposed to be bulky?"
Then, my heart pounded. Fingers trembled. I opened the first envelope. Drum rolled (in my mind, anyway).
"....We're sorry to inform....try again next year..."
I couldn't fight back my tears. Fine, one more shot. My hands, half numb, tore the second envelope.
Great. Another rejection.
Who directed this movie, really? Why am I not the main cast? - A giant LOSER, instead? Edison wouldn't have made history if he didn't do ten thousand experiments until succeeding. I've become too obsessed with their notoriety of producing qualified graduates.
I started pitying myself for not being good enough at almost everything. It was like having a cassette rewinding moments in life where I failed.
Until I had my first job interview.
"Why do you want this job as a sales associate?"
"I've always wanted to get involved in a company like yours; retail brands whose vision is making high-end couture accessible. When I walk into a store, the most enjoyable experience is finding a dress that looks like Givenchy's, yet costs me only 40 bucks. Each brand interprets trends differently; therefore, to make yours standout, needs expertise in understanding consumers, as they're the key to every trade within this industry. Being a sales associate allows me to interact and study their responses to marketing strategies, namely window-displays, buy-2-get-1 deals, and discounts. I'm passionate about learning."
Listening to myself, I realized something. I've survived the emotional baggage. I wasn't meant to be a fashion design major, as I thought. I undoubtedly love fashion, but have never loved sewing and didn't have artistic aspects required.
Being a shopper to different individuals, my capability of assessing consumers' changing demands and predicting trends has improved. I put on my best costume: Leopard coat, light-washed jeans, red stilettos - be my own hero this time. With newfound future: window dresser. Presenting the pure identity of a brand is equally essential with understanding consumers' preferences. This is the true art of merchandising. This is why I need to be educated at FIT.
The deferrals have toughened me. This is where I failed successfully. I didn't fall. I just slipped. Into the right path.
Moi? Plain brown thing your granny would wear. I'm not a lifetime investment.
This part confused me. Did you just start comparing yourself to it? It lost me a little.
That intro is awesome, though. And then you tell the reader, "Count to ten." How poignant! Very cool...
April 1st. 5 PM.
Okay, your writing is brilliant. It's a real advantage. I would rather be a geek who writes well. Well, yeah... that is what I am, ha ha. But this think with the years and then the date here... they do not get processed the same way as everything else when the reader takes them in. Just giving a year or date does not draw them in. Use headings with imagery words and action verbs. :-)
Cashmere sweater, faux-fur coat, and knee-high boots are in lines, all ready.
Okay, this is the sentence where I first feel confused. You already gave enough sentences to set the scene. I think you should replace this sentence with one that helps the reader to know how to interpret this comparison you are making.
Do you know what I mean? Change this sentence so that it hints to the reader that you are a pair of shoes. :-)
