Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

"Surviving from Depression" UF prompt


kayyao 6 / 20  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
Please help~~my grammar suck! any feedback is greatly appreciated.

please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

Student Depression



"Kay, Kay, you hear me? I said turn to the index. What's wrong with you?"
"... ... .. .. "
I rushed out of the classroom, tears was running uncontrollably out of my eyes, leaving my classmates and teacher completely astonished .
With no warning, my life turned into an unprecedential disaster. The "hyperactive and diligent me" was lost in the midst of a stormy ocean, gloomy, fatigued, and depressed. In grade 9, I could not help to skip school; I slept until I could no even feel myself, and pathetically, had shown zero interest in former hobbies, academic study, friends, or anything. On school days, I remembered how I stared at my chapter test paper for 75 minutes, wrote down nothing, and drove my Physics teacher insane. I felt worthless, in order to release my anger, at some point I started to cut my arm and after every cut I poured salt on the it so that it would give a transient "pleasure". If it was not that one of the infected wounds almost killed me, I might still be indulging in my metabolous world.

I decided that I had to change. After some psychological counseling, it was elucidated that what made me miserable was called a Major Depressive Disorder. So desperate I was, I began doing research upon my problem in order to find a cure. Although it is hard to pull out from a depression and even harder to accomplish with no exterior help, I believed that determination would make everything possible. Indeed, there were days I felt so bad that suicidal thoughts kept coming forth. I could not stop, since I had no choice, but to pursue a normal life. Luckily, I overcame all the obstacles and through a session of studies, I refound myself though an episode of relaxation therapy and self-encouragement, and most importantly, I was fascinated by the complexity of psychology and dedicated myself to studying it.

This year, I have taken Psychology 12 as a supplement course, but my thirst to psychology is far not contented by just three classes a week. In an effort to learn psychology better, I even read books associate with psychology during lunchtime.

Since I know what it feels like to ensure a psychological disorder, I have never stopped dreaming about being a successful psychiatrist and help people with such problems out of misery. I'd like to devote myself wholly for psychology. University of Florida meant to me not only superior education, but also a maturation process for me to acquired the capacity and confidence to succeed in my career.

jean253 2 / 9  
Oct 31, 2009   #2
Hello. I'm going to try to give you some helpful feedback on the content of your essay, then I will help with your grammar.

"I felt worthless, in order to release my anger, at some point I started to cut my arm and after every cut I poured salt on the it so that it would give a transient "pleasure"."

First, I think you should definitely think about taking this sentence out because it's unnecessary to be this graphic in an admissions essay. It made me a little queasy when I read it and you probably don't want the admissions officer to become queasy while reading your paper! Also, your thesis statement throws the reader off because it suggests that you will be talking about your near death experience. I think you should change your thesis to something along the lines of how your own experience with a disorder influenced your interest in psychology in general terms. Prepare the reader for what you will explain in your subsequent paragraphs. In the paragraph starting with "I decided to change," Maybe start this paragraph with: "After I attended psychological counseling..." And I think you should take some time to give specific examples of what you learned when you researched this disorder that intrigued you about psychology. I think you should take this statement: "I was fascinated by the complexity of psychology and dedicated myself to studying it." Change the "was fascinated" to "am fascinated", and include this as the topic sentence for the paragraph where you explain taking a supplemental psychology class. Then give more examples of your dedication to psychology in this paragraph.

Now I will help you with grammar:

"I rushed out of the classroom as tears ran uncontrollably out of my eyes. My teacher and my classmates were completely astonished."

"With no warning, my life turned into an unprecedented disaster."
(unprecendential isn't a word)

"The "hyperactive and diligent me" was lost in the midst of a stormy ocean: gloomy, fatigued, and depressed."
(I don't think a stormy ocean is fatigued and depressed. Could you provide a more accurate metaphor?)

"In the ninth grade I skipped school, slept too much, and pathetically, I had zero interest in former hobbies, academic studies, and friends. On school days, I remember how I stared at my chapter test paper for seventy-five minutes, wrote down nothing, and drove my Physics teacher insane."

(In formal writing you should spell out numbers.)

This statement: "I began doing research upon my problem in order to find a cure." should be revised to something like: "I was curious about available treatments for major depressive order, so I began researching the topic."

(This seems more clear to me.)

"I could not stop, since I had no choice, but to pursue a normal life."
(Personally I think you did have a choice. Could you say: "I could not stop these feelings of despair, but I continued to pursue a normal life." )

"Luckily, I overcame all the obstacles and through a session of studies, I refound myself though an episode of relaxation therapy and self-encouragement."

(Refound isn't a word. You should revise this)

"Since I know what it feels like to ensure a psychological disorder,..."
(I think you meant "endure")

"I'd like to devote myself wholly for psychology."
(Change "I'd" to "I would." Abbreviating is not a good idea in formal writing)

"The University of Florida means to me not only superior education, but also a maturation process for me to acquire the capacity and confidence to succeed in my career."

I hope this help and good luck to you!
OP kayyao 6 / 20  
Nov 5, 2009   #3
Thank you so much for the feedback. It is definitely more fluent.


Home / Undergraduate / "Surviving from Depression" UF prompt