I'm applying to transfer to UT from the University of Arizona and I'd appreciate any help in editing my first essay. Thank you!
MIS Company
Imagine my anxiety as I was told that in just a few months, as part of my MIS class, I was to be presenting a business plan related to sustainability and its application towards the University of Arizona. At first, I had no clue what my professor was talking about that day, did he really expect his class of over 200 freshmen to be able to articulate such advanced concepts so early on in our colligate careers? Fast-forward about a month, as I began researching ideas that my group members and I could use for our project. After about a week of research, we came to the conclusion that the BigBelly Solar Trash Compactors, and their application across the university, would be our focus for the project. After about another month of constant meetings, research, and collaborative effort, my team's proposal was finally finished. All that stood in our way was the presentation, where we would be pitching our ideas toward many high-ranking U of A officials including members of the UA Green Fund. As I awoke the morning of the presentations, I was filled with excitement, as the culmination of my group's hard work and collaboration was finally coming together. I put on my best suit and headed towards the ballroom where the presentation was held. At first I was nervous, I'd never pitched an idea with potential for such impact before. But as I got into my pitch, I knew my ideas were solid, and after two hours of presentations to many different people, I was eager to hear back as to how well my group had done. In all, 36 groups had presented that day, and only three would be picked as the overall best. I'd known my group did very well, but I was elated to hear that we had won first overall, as our idea was deemed most realistic and had the best potential for increasing sustainability at the University of Arizona. I was amazed, not only at the success our project had, but as to how far I had come from the first day of class. This project, my first large project involving business ideas, has greatly changed my views on research and presentation. Prior to my first semester in college, I would often reflect on how I seemed rather lost as to my future in business. I'd think of how little I knew about how ideas were captured and put into action in a business. However, after the sustainability project, I've now realized how to take an idea, research it's applications towards a business, put together a presentation on the benefits of said idea, and even how to present the idea in the most effective way possible. As a hopeful student in the McCombs business school at the University of Texas, I feel the experience gained from this project will greatly help me in my understanding of how an idea can turn into a proposal, one which can greatly influence the direction of a company.At first, I had no clue what my professor was talking about that day. Did he ...
Fast-forward about a month, as I began researching
You have a bad habit: run on sentences---> At first I was nervous. I'd never ...
and even how to present the idea in the most effective way possible. ---This is a very well-structured sentence... I just took out those two words, but the sentence overall is great.
Why aren't you using paragraphs? Run on sentences and lack of paragraphs ... those are my gripes against your essay! So... use a new paragraph for every new idea; that is how you can help the reader interpret all your ideas easily.
:-)
