Jize, this is one time that your use of flowery language and visual descriptions has come in very handy. Those creative gifts of yours have helped you develop a very unique yet character and trait introducing response to the prompt. That said, I believe that there are some points that should either be left out or edited for clarity though. Then, there are also some grammar issues to address. Shall we get to work? My corrections are as follows:
I feel the same heartbeats of Swarthmore as mine
- Could be better phrased as" I feel that Swathmore and I share the same heartbeat."
hold a fiction BOOK, a COMIC BOOK or a Cantonese introduction
IN the corner of the library.
How did intellectuals communicate
with each other
HOLD a seminar,
through THE Honor Program OF SWATHMORE
I will enjoy defending my thesis, like a graduate student to be intellectually challenged.
- Not really necessary because you are just telling the reviewer what attracts you to Swathmore. The thesis is irrelevant.
real films FOR THE Tri-Co Film Festival.
Dialects endowed us a personality, which promoted intelligent creations, as ancient poems are ornamented with dialect words. During the research, Swarthmore and people here, diverse in more than races, will continue to question as much as support me.
- This needs to be clarified. Will you be performing this as part of your research or thesis at Swathmore? If so, discuss it in a manner that reflects that. How can Swathmore help you do this?
Not only am I EXCITED ABOUT direct research opportunities and rigorous yet collaborative academics here, but also expect TO MEET AND HELP OTHERS AT Lang Center, with my camera and notebook, to hear different stories and voices.
As a media Swattie, I am encouraged to advance communication and thus speak out for unable minorities within our big, accepting community.
- What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?
should be realized at
Take note of the points you have to clarify. Revise the essay and be conscious of the word limit :-) If you can post the revision here, we'll let you know if there may be anything that still needs improvement or revision. Good luck!