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Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing


anfernee 6 / 19 13  
Sep 25, 2015   #1
In 150 to 250 words, please write about why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore.

I feel the same heartbeats of Swarthmore as mine.

Usually, I will wear a big pair of glasses and hold a fiction, a movie illustration or a Cantonese introduction at the corner of the library.

"How did intellectuals communicated with each other before Mandarin Chinese was invented? Do vernaculars impeded communication?" I want to start up a seminar, through Honor Program with aspiring fellows. I will enjoy defending my thesis, like a graduate student to be intellectually challenged. I hear the advice of Professor Napoli, a linguist and a writer, because I want to write a story in different Chinese dialects. I will share my drafts with Professor White, transforming them into real films at Tri-Co Film Festival. Dialects endowed us a personality, which promoted intelligent creations, as ancient poems are ornamented with dialect words. During the research, Swarthmore and people here, diverse in more than races, will continue to question as much as support me.

Not only am I satisfied in direct research opportunities and rigorous yet collaborative academics here, but also expect Lang Center, whereby I can meet and help others, with my camera and notebook, to hear different stories and voices. I believe social responsibility and thinking is never on paper: As a media Swattie, I am encouraged to advance communication and thus speak out for unable minorities within our big, accepting community.

Every piece of Swarthmore constitutes my movie, writing, and personality. And those dreams, once unthinkable, should be implemented in Swarthmore, because my blood is dyed garnet.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 25, 2015   #2
Jize, this is one time that your use of flowery language and visual descriptions has come in very handy. Those creative gifts of yours have helped you develop a very unique yet character and trait introducing response to the prompt. That said, I believe that there are some points that should either be left out or edited for clarity though. Then, there are also some grammar issues to address. Shall we get to work? My corrections are as follows:

I feel the same heartbeats of Swarthmore as mine

- Could be better phrased as" I feel that Swathmore and I share the same heartbeat."

hold a fiction BOOK, a COMIC BOOK or a Cantonese introduction

IN the corner of the library.

How did intellectuals communicated with each other

vernaculars impeded

HOLD a seminar,

through THE Honor Program OF SWATHMORE

I will enjoy defending my thesis, like a graduate student to be intellectually challenged. - Not really necessary because you are just telling the reviewer what attracts you to Swathmore. The thesis is irrelevant.

real films FOR THE Tri-Co Film Festival.

Dialects endowed us a personality, which promoted intelligent creations, as ancient poems are ornamented with dialect words. During the research, Swarthmore and people here, diverse in more than races, will continue to question as much as support me.

- This needs to be clarified. Will you be performing this as part of your research or thesis at Swathmore? If so, discuss it in a manner that reflects that. How can Swathmore help you do this?

Not only am I EXCITED ABOUT direct research opportunities and rigorous yet collaborative academics here, but also expect TO MEET AND HELP OTHERS AT Lang Center, with my camera and notebook, to hear different stories and voices.

As a media Swattie, I am encouraged to advance communication and thus speak out for unable minorities within our big, accepting community.

- What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?

should be realized at

Take note of the points you have to clarify. Revise the essay and be conscious of the word limit :-) If you can post the revision here, we'll let you know if there may be anything that still needs improvement or revision. Good luck!
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 25, 2015   #3
I would like to give you some feedback. There are two sentences that are separate from your paragraph.

I think your first sentence needs to be corrected and also apart of a paragraph. This university seems to appeal to you because of your interests and abilities. Also, I think the paragraph order could be changed. Here are some suggestions to help you with the order of your paragraphs:

1) Describe why you are interested in attending the university. You should include what you plan to study.
2) What will make learning at this university a unique opportunity for you?
3) How will your university experience help you to achieve your future goals?

Also, when you discuss specific professors, you should have a sentence to introduce them to the reader. Ex: I can learn from skilled professors. For example, Professor X,..."
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 25, 2015   #4
Jize, A few suggested revisions. Sorry, I think I missed these the first time out. Then again, that is why a draft needs to be constantly reviewed. To make sure that you catch the mistakes you missed the first time.

heartbeats .

I will wear a big pair

and READ - I think read is the better term since you are in the corner of a library. What does someone do in a library? Read :-)

I WILL SEEK help AT the Writing Center

More than HEARING different stories and voices, I am going to PUT social

into practice . LIKE others

And THOSE dreams,

My opinion is that you can already use the essay after you apply these corrections. Good luck :-)
OP anfernee 6 / 19 13  
Sep 26, 2015   #5
Thanks for vangiespen and lcturn87's invaluable suggestions! With your help, I feel that writing application essays are never boring!


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