Guys,
here's another essay I'm working on for the common app, this is still the 1st draft..
so pls give me lots of advice and critiques just about anything..=) I'd appreciate it so much =)
thank youuu=)
Sweat, Strain, and Surmount
I met Rizki at the beginning of my sophomore year. He was one of those notorious trouble-makers at school who looked more like a street gangster rather than a student of the best High School in town. I remember he once got a severe detention for smoking in the restroom during a break, and not to mention a myriad of other detentions for minor offenses.
Sometimes during the sophomore year, I had to collaborate with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better. I learnt from some friends that life had been harsh to him. His father had an affair and left his mother when he was a kid; confronted by the situation, his mother has to take over the role as the family's only breadwinner. I have seen and heard a lot of stories of kids who grew up in such condition, and most of them end up in misery throughout their life. I told myself I could not let this 'trend' happen to him. I teased and scolded him for his bad behavior, hoping that they would evoke a sense of embarrassment and guilt in him. I admonished him for his smoking, condemned it as an unhealthy habit and a waste of money. At the same time, concerned with his constantly bad grades, I occasionally tutored him. Gradually he seemed to get more serious about his study and about his life.
At the end of the school year, to my complete surprise, he was not advanced to the junior level. I was utterly disappointed. He said that he was really sorry and was disappointed with himself for not trying harder. Then he added, "But hey, I'm a smoker no more". I know how hard it must have been for him to refrain from smoking since he had been addicted to it for years. I realized then that he had not bluntly ignored my advice, but why did his grades show the opposite? Only later I found out that his mother had been sick, so he had to work after school and at the same time take care of his mother. When I heard this, my heart sank and I was sad, all I thought was, 'Life is so unfair'!
But why did he blame himself instead? I pondered this over and came to a conclusion that either he did so because he did not want to justify his failure by exposing his noble deed, or perhaps, he thought there was nothing special about taking care of his mother and the family. I was touched when I realized this, but apparently, there were more unexpected things to come.
At the end of the following school year, he walked down the hall with a big uninterrupted smile wreathed on his face; he sway away to my class once he saw me sitting there. He handed me his report book. I had presumed that he made it this time; nonetheless, his scores drove me in awe. He was ranked the top 25% in his class! I almost jumped off my seat. I congratulated him and promised to treat him up after school. During lunch, I could not help but to make him unravel whatever being the top 25% at class had cost him. He rambled on many interesting stories, but all of them unanimously pointed out 'determination' as the main factor.
I have always thought that determination was a quality I was best at, but at the end, Rizki opened my eyes to see that I still have so much to learn. I reminisced about my previous achievements that have made me quite complacent, I realized then that I have always had the 'perfect' environment: I have loving and supporting parents and family, munchies to accompany me studying, and wide screen TV to untie my tangled mind. How far can determination really go under such circumstances? Realizing that I would not be able to stay in my comfort zone my entire life, I began my quest for true life.
University would be the best place to begin this quest. I have and will strive, even twice as hard as others, to get accepted at the University of Miami, the gateway to my successful future. I realized that, even the best student is not guaranteed admission because of the competitive pool of applicants; does that intimidate me? Yes, honestly. But do I ever consider turning back? Big NO. I am looking for a life time experience, I am looking forward to the opportunity to strain myself to my fullest ability and live innumerable experience I would not be able to get elsewhere. I am eager to face new challenges and meet lots of people around the world with whom I can share my thoughts, values, and hear their feedbacks. With all these in mind, my friends could say, "From Indonesia? Big move", "you're so positive", but nothing is going to stop me. Thanks Rizki for opening my mind, I am now perfectly aware of what I am doing, "I'm giving myself a chance".
He was one of those notorious trouble-makers at school who looked more like a street gangster rather than a student of the best h igh s chool in town.
I learntlearned from some friends that life had been harsh to him.
I'm not very good at grammar so I can't help you in that department. Other than that, I think you did a great job!
Thank youuu =)
anyone else?please?=)
BEGIN---
I met Rizki at the beginning of my sophomore year. He was one of those notorious trouble-makersdelinquents at school who looked more like a street gangster rather than a student of the town's best high schoolin town. I rememberHe once got aserved a severe detention for smoking in the restroom during a break, and not to mention a myriad of other detentions for minor offenses.
During my sophomore year , I had the chance to work with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better. I learned from some friends **that life had been harsh to him . His father had an affair and left his motherthem when he was a child ; **confronted by the situation , his mother had to take over the role as the family's only breadwinner. I have seen and heard a lot of stories of kids who grew up in such conditions , and most of them end up in misery throughout their life. I told myself I could not let this trend happen to him. I teased and scolded him for his bad behavior, hoping that they would evoke a sense of embarrassment and guilt in him. I admonished him for his smoking, condemned it as an unhealthy habit and a waste of money. At the same time, Concerned with his constantly bad grades, I occasionally tutored him. Gradually he seemed to get more serious about his school and about his life.
To my complete surprise, he was not advanced to the junior level at the end of the school year .
END---
This is as far as I can get for now. The parts colored in red with ** are what I think you should change. Good luck :)
Sometimes during the sophomore year, I had to collaborate with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better.
This essay is great! It is very enjoyable to read, and that might just be the most important quality in an essay... I kept reading out of interest rather than as a way to help you.
And actually, the only way I know how to help with this is to suggest a better introduction. The intro paragraph should have a sentence that tells what the theme of this essay will be. It should have a sentence that is inspired, just like that last paragraph is inspired.
The essay gets better and better toward the middle and end.
BEGIN ---
I was utterly disappointed. He said that he was really sorry and was disappointed with himself for not trying harder. Then he added, "But hey, I'm a smoker no more". I know how hard it must have been for him to refrain from smoking since he had been addicted to it for years. I realized then that he had not bluntly ignored my advice; but why did his grades show the opposite? Only later, did I find out that his mother had been sick, so he had to work after school and at the same time take care of his mother. When I heard this, my heart sank and I was sad. All I thought was, 'Life is so unfair'! But why did he blame himself instead? I pondered this over and came to a conclusion that either he did so because he did not want to justify his failure by exposing his noble deed, or perhaps, he thought there was nothing special about taking care of his mother and the family. I was touched when I realized this, but apparently, there were more unexpected things to come.
At the end of the following school year, he walked down the hall with a big uninterrupted smile wreathed on his face; he swayed away to my class once he saw me sitting there. He handed me his report book. I had presumed that he made it this time; ***nonetheless, his scores drove me in awe. He was ranked in the top 25% of his class! I almost jumped off my seat. I congratulated him and promised to treat him up after school. During lunch, I could not help but to make him unravel whatever being the top 25% at class had cost him. He rambled on many interesting stories, but all of them unanimously pointed out 'determination' as the main factor.
I have always thought that determination was a quality I was best at, but in the end, Rizki opened my eyes to see that I still have so much to learn. I reminisced about my previous achievements that have made me quite complacent, I realized then that I have always had the ideal environment: I have loving and supporting parents and family, munchies to accompany me studying, and a wide screen TV to untie my tangled mind. How far can determination really go under such circumstances? Realizing that I would not be able to stay in my comfort zone my entire life, I began my quest for true life .
University would be the best place to begin this quest. I have and will strive, even twice as hard as others, to get accepted at the University of Miami, the gateway to my successful future. I realized that, even the best student is not guaranteed admission because of the competitive pool of applicants; does that intimidate me? Yes, honestly. But do I ever consider turning back? Big NO. I am looking for a life time experience, I am looking forward to the opportunity to strain myself to my fullest ability and live innumerable experiences I would not be able to get elsewhere. I am eager to face new challenges and meet lots of people around the world with whom I can share my thoughts, values, and hear their feedbacks. With all these in mind, my friends could say, "From Indonesia? Big move", "You're so positive ", but nothing is going to stop me. Thanks Rizki for opening my mind, I am now perfectly aware of what I am doing, "I'm giving myself a chance".
END ---
I really like the bolded sentence but it can still be improved in terms of diction.
The red and bolded section is great but I think you should change the "... for true life" part into something different. Think opposite of comfort zone?
*** I don't think this word is really needed.
I love your conclusion.
Great work!
Stephanie,, thank you,, u really made my essay so many times better!
I really appreciate everything u've done Steph!=))
thanks2..=)
And thank you Kevin for the critique and compliment! =))
I so glad you enjoyed my essay =))
