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Swim with no clothes- paragraph about The Most Frightening Experience of my Life


Zubaida 18 / 35  
Aug 10, 2010   #1
Write a brief paragraph describing the most frightening experience of your life.

please, check this paragraph:

The most frightening experience of my life was in the swimming pool. It was the second time I went with my family when I decided to swim without bathing clothes(waht we call this thing in English? things that are made of plastic and filled with air. Kids wear them to be safe while swimming. sometimes its shape like the wheels). After my brother had taught me some important tips about swimming, he went away to play and dive. Then, I tried to swim myself. I could do this for only one minute. After that, I started to lose a control. I tried to hold the pool's walls or let my body sinking to touch the pool's floor, but I went away of them. Applying my brother's advice, I tried to relax, but my body flopped. My heart was beating. I was forced to swallow amounts of water with chlorine. I wanted to scream or say anything, but my voice was not coming out. Though it was a few seconds, they passed as a long hour. Suddenly, someone held my hand. It was my brother who saw my hands' movements at the water surface and rescued me.

dkarri 2 / 5  
Aug 10, 2010   #2
To be blatant, this fear is a common one. That means that you must make your essay stand out from others. This means that you need to add some personal input. For instance, you might want to talk about what this fear means to you and how it has effected you, etc. However, I must say that the imagery was good, but you might want to restructure your syntax; almost every sentence has the word I in the beginning.
1a2b3c 3 / 6  
Aug 10, 2010   #3
Hi!!
The most frightening experience of my life was in the swimming pool. It was the second time I went with my family when I decided to swim without bathing clothes (waht we call this thing in English? things that are made of plastic and filled with air. Kids wear them to be safe while swimming. sometimes its shape like the wheels). After my brother had taught me some It's actually called swimming tube .

I too agree with dkarri as this piece of writing is straight-forward.
why don't you explain this fear the other way; you can elaborate your accident by carefully adressing every moment while u were on the verge of being drowned. You might as well explain how this experience helped u

:-) Hope it helps
Take care!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 11, 2010   #4
I was forced to swallow large amounts of water with chlorine.

Though it was a few seconds, they passed as a long hour.--- this is a very good sentence. It is very poetic. You might want to make a small change, though: Though the experience lasted only a few seconds, it passed for what seemed like an hour.

Okay... so... SWIMMING WITH NO CLOTHES is not the same as swimming with no flotation device!! It is a funny mistake. I think when I was a kid those things were called "floaties." But don't write that. I don't think swimming tube is quite right, either.

The most frightening experience of my life was in the swimming pool when I was ___ years old. It was the second time I went with my family, and I decided to swim my inflatable arm floats.


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