I swim out into the ocean often/ This is store is my home; UPENN Extracircular essays

Please elaborate on an extracurricular activity!

I have two which one is better: I am going to be a business major (the store is one one of the reason why i am doing business), and then I have an essay about swimming in cocoa beach(where I am from).

Which should I use please help me correct it.I think I should use the store one since it shows passion.

1.It is the simplest of actions carried out in the world's most unforgiving environment: pull right, breathe, pull left, breathe. I swim out into the ocean often. I swim till I can no longer feel the sand sift through my toes, till the tourist's laughter fades into whispers, till the water is void of light, and till the warmth of the sea escapes, leaving me stiff. This distance is ideal; I stop here and turn my back against the waves. In that moment, before the wave forces me back to humanity, I do not meditate, I do not plan, I do not ponder. Emptiness: the surge of adrenaline won't allow my brain to think; my mind has isolated my body. My body elevates: this moment is true freedom, like a man unshackled from a life sentence. "Whoosh," the giant wave comes crashing over my shoulders, robbing me of the moment and hastily dragging me back to life, dragging me back to all the memories, and all the perpetual emotions. Nevertheless,I am reinvigorated and ready to fight forward.

OR

2. 120 loyal customers walk through the pearly door of the liquor store a day. Germans, Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Canadians, New Yorkers, Gays, Buddhists, all walk through those doors to indulge in the finest bliss, liquor. In those short few minutes they have with me we share stories, laughs, sorrows, philosophies, dreams, culture, and unavoidably, prices. We may even daringly disseminate our political views and get into friendly quarrels. Whatever the talk of the day may be, one thing is for certain, by the end of the night when it's time to close up shop, I become less ignorant of the world around me. All those stupid things I worry about are forgotten and all my aspirations are revitalized. This is store is my home, my inspiration, my heaven, and my savior.

the second one ends abruptly( but i truly enjoy working there because it was my inspiration to go into business and to pursue my dream of owning a chain of stores). and it probably has some grammatical errors please help me choose

I think the second one is better especially if you are applying to business. However the inspiration message doesn't come through. You could change the last sentence to be just about the inspiration. Maybe you could talk about the future and how you one day dream of having your own shop to close

^thank you so much for you help. I will take your advice and do the second one. The second one was done in like five minutes...but the problem I am having is that there are so many tasks involved in managing the business that I can not possibly write about all of them with my word limit (approx.200). So should I write about the customers...and how they are my inspiration to start a business?