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'Swim race during summer' - influential person, Saint Joseph's Application


schmitta 2 / 1  
Oct 6, 2012   #1
Hey guys. This is my application essay for SJU. The prompt goes:

Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on one of the options listed below, and attach it to your application before submission.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

During the summer of 2006 my parents decided to have me join the swim team for the local pool that we regularly attended during the summer. For the first few weeks of the season, we would have one hour practices during the morning and then a 15 minute "get to know you" session afterwards. [..]

Birdiee 6 / 35 1  
Oct 6, 2012   #2
You need to explain how he actually influenced you..how have you changed because of him? You are focusing WAY too much on the coach in the last paragraph, instead turn the spotlight on yourself.

During the summer of 2006 my parents decided to have me join the local swim team for the local pool that we regularly attended during the summer . For the first few weeks of the season, we would have one hour practices during the morning and then a 15 minute "get to know you" session afterwards. Just as I was beginning to feel confident and getting familiar with the daily routine, it was time for our first swim meet. I remember being so scared and nervous. I had never participated in an actual competitive swim race before and it didn't help that the team we were facing were the defending league champions. As I was about to step up onto the blockstepped onto the block , I was shakingshook nervously. It was then that the opposing coach approached me with a smile and said to relax and that it was common to be scared before your first race. I had no idea who this man was and why he was trying to encourage me, a swimmer on the opposite team, to relax and stay calm. However, his warm words actually did help calm meto calm me down . As soon as the race ended, he was the first person there to congratulate me on my first swim. He even gave me a few pointers on how I could become even faster. Little did I know , I never actually thought this man would have a huge influence on me in the years to come.

When I entered high school, I tried out and made the freshman basketball team. After a long season filled with ups and downs , I decided to contact my school's swim team andto see if I could join the team once the basketball season ended. Even though it was late in the season, Coach ******* welcomed me with open arms. Incredibly, this was the same man who had approached me before my first race in 2006. Even more remarkably, he recalled that exact event! I was pleasantly surprised he knew who I was. Coach ******** got me acclimated with the whole team and taught me how to read the complicated practice sheets. During meets he was always there before your the race andencourage you and pump you up to encourage us and get up pumped. Within days I felt completely comfortable. Coach ******* even preferred that we called him by his first name, *****. That was beginning of his positive influence over me.

It is now my senior year in high school and ****** has been there every step of the way.That's an awkward sentence, admissions know it's your senior year. During the season he is fully committed and is very passionate about swimming. He is genuinely smart and knows everything there is to the sport. He's a profound thinker who looks at himself as an educator first and as a coach second. ***** is committed to the individual integrity, values, and personal growth of his swimmer and is, above all, always there for anyone on the team. If youwe are ever struggling with grades or dealing with any sort of personal issue, ***** has always been there to talk to. Even during the off-season ***** is always stopping by the school to say "hi" and to keep up with all of our activities. Looking back on it now, joining the swim team and meeting ***** was one the best things that could'vecould have happened to me. I will forever be grateful for ***** and won't be forgetting him anytime soon.
OP schmitta 2 / 1  
Oct 10, 2012   #3
very helpful. thanks a lot


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