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"Swim Team's swimming pool" - University of Michigan Community Essay

lockdown228 1 / -  
Jan 1, 2011   #1
Every day, when I jump into the icy waters of the --- Swim Team's swimming pool, I feel a sense of belonging. I joined the during the swim season of my junior year and quickly found my niche there, surrounded by people who shared my mentality. Everyone wanted to be there and improve themselves. If not for the people around me, enduring the monotony of swimming back and forth would be dreadful. Thankfully, my teammates share the same values as I do. We all have our reasons for swimming, whether they be fame, scholarships, or staying in shape, but the unifying reason that keeps us coming back is dedication.

Looking back, I can credit my success in swimming to this dedication. Without the drive required to devote myself to swimming, I would never have been able to win the Most Valuable Swimmer Award or persevere through practices. I discovered an inner core of strength that pushed me further than I thought possible. The most important thing I learned from joining the Armada Swim Club was that we are able to transcend our limits. By stepping out of my comfort zone, I undertook a completely new experience. I gained confidence in my ability to handle hardship. I grew as a person by realizing that challenges are taken one step at a time. My determination and dedication have been my defining traits and have aided me through difficulties in my life.

(241 words)

This is a rough draft and I am open to any suggestions.

amjeezy 5 / 18  
Jan 1, 2011   #2
umm 1 thing i have found really attracts attention is if you make it more of a narrative. keep all the discussion there but show how you joined them, how you felt the firsst time with the group, how you've become a prt of the group and how the group accepted you. that kind a thing. make it a story about a kid who aspires to become a member of the swim team and finds his home there
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 4, 2011   #3
This essay is really well-written... great imagery words... like, icy water makes the reader really feel something. So, this is high quality writing! That means you can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! :-) Now, this sentence above... it's the only one I don't like. It is an uninteresting statement of the obvious, a blatant contrivance to enable you to mention that award. You need more finesse than that! :-) Just kidding, but you know what I mean.

I don't think hardship is the best word. Hardship is not the same as rigorous effort. Hardship is something different...

Anyway, this is excellent. I think at the end you can say something a little more specific. Look for a similarity with swimming and your academic interests or career interest.

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