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The swimming community- Advice on my Queen's PSE Essay

Fercruz 1 / 1  
Jan 29, 2020   #1
Hi, I'm applying to Queens Commerce for the fall of 2020, and I'm currently doing my PSE.

The essay question is:

Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above.

In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.

Here's what I have been able to write so far. I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some feedback on where I can improve. Thanks!

Ever since the age of 5, I have been actively involved in the swimming community, whether that includes participating or giving back, through lessons to other individuals. I recall when I had to learn the basics of swimming and the importance of staying calm during incidents. It taught me self-control and it helped me build certain qualities, such as determination and perseverance. The reason for this, was because it wasn't easy to move through the swimming ranks, and sometimes I would spend months on end doing one level, just to be told that I would have to redo the entire level, because of one imperfection. As a young child at the time, it was difficult to hear that. Despite this, I kept going, eventually completing all my lessons, and ultimately acquired my lifeguard certification. Now all this took years of work, and multiple people helped me along the way, from instructors to family members, and I can't thank them enough. Therefore, when I qualified to teach others and help them go through the ranks as I had done, I took the opportunity upon myself. I volunteered at my local pool, specifically the Boys and Girls Club of Durham, where I would play pool games with groups of children, and ensured everyone was having a good time and that everyone was playing fairly, more or less, I was their 'leader'. Additionally, I led multiple swimming lessons, the same ones I had been through years ago, and I was able to give back to others, through my tips and knowledge I had gained about swimming through my previous years of experience. Ultimately, giving back to others through swimming lessons/games, was something I found very rewarding and it felt good to be able to give back the help I once received.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,125 3263  
Jan 30, 2020   #2
Since your love for swimming, which started as an extra curricular activity, helped you gain employment as a lifeguard, it would be best to write this essay from a pondering, self-reflection point of view. That will help you avoid making unnecessary references to your age when you started with your swimming lessons, and some less important information such as learning how to keep calm and the like. You should start off the essay in a manner similar to the following.

I've always loved the water. That is why I became a lifeguard. It wasn't easy for me to achieve this position. Being a lifeguard is a mere offshoot of my ability to be able to swim well. Whoever thought that the lessons that I learned when I was developing my swimming skills would help me land a job? Swimming requires a calm demeanor, self-control, determination and perseverance. Qualities I carried me both in and out of the water...

By combining the extra curricular activity and your employment opportunity that stemmed from it, your essay will become interesting to read and be easier for the reviewer to recall.
yellowjello123 2 / 3  
Jan 31, 2020   #3
Hey fercruz, I think you missed out on addressing the part of the prompt where you have to state the greatest learning outcome. You do mention gaining self-control and building certain qualities, such as determination and perseverance but you need to elaborate on them. Which one has guided you the most on your journey as a swimmer? Also you can incoporate these traits into your volunteering with something like how you had to apply self-control in order to not get frustrated with the kids in the water during swimming lessons.
OP Fercruz 1 / 1  
Jan 31, 2020   #4

I appreciate both of your guys help, thank you so much for your time!

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