Hey I just finished my rough draft of the extracurricular short answer for common app. Please help me out by throwing in some feedback. All suggestion are welcome! Don't hold back!
Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.
I would have never expected swimming to be an integral part of my life. The water became my second world, where all my worries vanished and where my mind was set to wander aimlessly. Swimming for the high school team has impacted me greatly and has been a great experience. It taught me the value of sportsmanship as it not only makes our opponents feel better but also makes us feel better. No matter winning a race or losing it, there is always a joy in competing, from the "on your mark, get set, go" to the last moments of the race as I try to stretch out my fingers to beat the swimmer next to me or set a new personal record.
I think a little better conclusion about how swimming has impacted your life or shaped you in some way would be the icing to this essay!
I agree with the comment above. It is very good until the end, you need to make a better conclusion. But great job! :)
Thanks, I fixed it up and adding a more concrete example. Can you guys see if this improved?
Swimming for the high school team has impacted me greatly. I would have never expected swimming to be an integral part of my life. The water became my second world. It was all my worries of school and personal issues disappeared. It taught me the value of sportsmanship as it not only makes our opponents feel better but also makes us feel better. Swimming also helped me see there will always be room for improvement and a competitive setting is more beneficial than the easy route. One of my memorable races was a lost in a relay against Cupertino High School. My relay team had the lead as my turn was up as I was the anchor. Peaking over to see the distance I had ahead, I dove in. After the first flip turn, Cupertino's anchor suddenly was right next to me. I start to kick and pull even harder. I regained the lead but after the next wall he was right next to me again. In the last 25 meters, we were both right next to each other, kicking and pulling harder than ever. My fingers lost by .02 seconds. Disappointed in myself, I still smiled and congratulated him for a great race.