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"Swimming lessons" - Activity essay


zhshuang 2 / 4  
Oct 16, 2010   #1
This activity essay is for the common application form.
Please help me to revise it.
Is it a good theme to write how I teach my mom to swim a good theme to the activity essay?

"You must grab me tightly!" my mother said firmly. As if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk. I showed her the swimming gesture nearly 100 times. Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second immersed into the water. I repeated showed that how I take my breath at the end of the arm stroke just before the hands exited the water. Mom said to me, smirking, "Baby, you are really good at swimming." As the small water wave hits us, I push the board, giving some momentum and mom, to my surprise, moved forward just in a little irregular pace. Being able to pass my passion for swimming over others is just why I keep teaching others to swim day after day. What I taught is not a formula, is the way how to flow with nature, instead of fighting it.

This is what my essay looks like now.
Swimming is my extracurriculum. I don't want write essay like volunteering in somewhere, so I really want to keep this essay. Pls help me to revise it become more well rounded.

Zhshuang

gongnatalie 3 / 8  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
There are some grammar mistakes that you should probably fix before sending it in. The overall message of the essay is well thought-out, but I think that the Common App meant for applicants to write about an extracurricular activity rather than an experience. You can expand this into a meaningful essay meant for the longer response, however.
Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 16, 2010   #3
"You must grab me tightly!" my mother said firmly.As if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk.

I taught her nearly 100 times the swimming gesture. Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second she immersed into the water.

This essay has very poor wording I tried working with it. I am sorry this is very poor writing. You need to really work on it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 19, 2010   #4
This is great! I see an incomplete sentence, though:
As if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk.---not complete.

Try this:
"You must grab me tightly!" my mother said firmly, as if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk.

What I taught is teach is not a formula, but rather a way how to flow with nature instead of fighting it.

:-) Nice... I like this one.
Cloud_Tek9 - / 17  
Oct 19, 2010   #5
Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second we immersed into the water. I repeatedly showed that how I take my breath at the end of the arm stroke just before the hands exited exit the water.

As the a small water wave hits us ...
Being able to pass my passion for swimming over onto others is just why I keep teaching others to swim day after day. What I taught teach is not a formula, is thebut rather a way on how to flow with nature instead of fighting it.

With those errors in check, I think you have a sound essay


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