This activity essay is for the common application form.
Please help me to revise it.
Is it a good theme to write how I teach my mom to swim a good theme to the activity essay?
"You must grab me tightly!" my mother said firmly. As if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk. I showed her the swimming gesture nearly 100 times. Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second immersed into the water. I repeated showed that how I take my breath at the end of the arm stroke just before the hands exited the water. Mom said to me, smirking, "Baby, you are really good at swimming." As the small water wave hits us, I push the board, giving some momentum and mom, to my surprise, moved forward just in a little irregular pace. Being able to pass my passion for swimming over others is just why I keep teaching others to swim day after day. What I taught is not a formula, is the way how to flow with nature, instead of fighting it.
This is what my essay looks like now.
Swimming is my extracurriculum. I don't want write essay like volunteering in somewhere, so I really want to keep this essay. Pls help me to revise it become more well rounded.