Please comment on my essay for UF...Im really desperate:(
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My classmates see me working too hard. When they pass by with laughter and notice me indulging myself in the textbooks every day at school, they simply think I am overly diligent and serious, which they consider absurd. "Exam is miles away." They giggle. Certainly, they don't know what kind of costly lesson I have learnt form my swimming experience. They can't even imagine the misery that follows regret. To them, I am foolish to bestow all my effort in completing a task. But I would rather be silly than sorrowful for not getting my job well done.
At my early stage of being an athlete, I treated swimming as chronic practice without attending to it wholeheartedly. As a result, the chance of being the champion faded one by one owing to my lax attitude. One year before the Inter-school Swimming Gala in Secondary Four, I realized that it might be the last chance for me to consummate my dream and I knew I could never make it unless I got rid of my laziness. Therefore, I practiced particularly hard that year, attending lessons four times a week, joining a swimming camp and enduring daily fitness test despite overwhelming tiredness after eight school lessons each day. When the big day came, I had got steadfast resolution to be the top. Close to the race, my anxiety boosted and was vividly shown in my trembling hands and quivering lips. "Beep!" the race began instantly as I plucked up my greatest power with an obscuring mind. I pulled all the effort I had and commanded every muscle to function. In the midway, my limbs that dragged me forward unremittingly were numb due to exhaustive movement. Inundated by the aspiration to win, I ignored all signs of tiredness. Once I felt my hands hit the terminal point, I glimpsed at the display screen to check my result. That had been the most devastating disappointment ever; I was the first runner up for zero point three second slower than the champion.
Buffeted by the result, I could not help burst out crying. "You've done your best. It's the best result ever!" My coach, who used to be merciless, offered the most soothing encouragement I had ever heard from him. "Just make it next year. Still a chance, right?" I shoot my head vaguely. I knew, better than anyone else, that it was impossible for me to maintain that fitness in other year's time. Despondent over the pulverized dream, I sat on the stadium speechlessly and had a deep reflection. The culprit of my flaw was the frivolous practice I had when I was small, leading to a squander of time without improvement and an unsteady groundwork. Once I realized the significance of working hard, it was too late to emulate those who were already ahead of me. I regret my sloth at early stage which brought me unbearably disastrous consequence.
Such experience, nurturing me how to make the decision between dedication and compunction, had been meaningful to me. From then on, knowing that the best way to turn my fiasco into a costly lesson is to avoid the blunder in future, I work exceedingly hard in academic field. Not letting a single minute pass without a value, I grab all the chances to equip myself. Thanks to the experience in the pool, I do not let myself down in the two years of senior school life. In retrospect, still, I can't help feeling regret about the competition but in future, I am determined never to be three tenths of a second late once more.
When I realize UF is the optimal university for me to accomplish my goal as a pharmacist, I know I have to strive for a degree at all cost. I will do my utmost in anyway I can as I do not want to be greeted by regret again. My swimming experience may not be a superb one, but it is my firm belief that the determination and staminal I acquired will lead me the way to become a versatile and capable student in the UF.
Text I marked in red was the one I added. Where ever I highlighted something in blue it was so that you consider rethinking word usage and sentence structure. Also, try to look into which tense you want to use. I am not sure if you are writing in present or past tense. I hope this helps and best of luck in your admissions! :)
Thank you so much.
Do you think the meaningful event I am referring too is really "meaningful"?
Any what do you think about my idea(talking about diligence)?
I hv modified the essay:
My classmates see me working too hard.When they pass by with laughter and notice me indulging myself in the textbooks at school,they think I am overly serious,which they consider absurd."Exam is miles away,"they giggle.Certainly,they don't know the costly lesson I have learnt form my swimming experience and they can't even imagine the misery that follows regret.To them,I am foolish to bestow all of my effort in completing a task,but I would rather be silly than sorrowful for not getting my job well done.
At my early stage of being an athlete,I treated swimming as chronic practice without attending to it wholeheartedly so the chances to win faded one by one.One year before the Inter-school Swimming Gala in Secondary Four,I knew it might be the last chance for me to shine in the pool so I practiced particularly hard,attending lessons four times a week,joining swimming camps and enduring daily fitness tests despite staggering tiredness after eight school lessons.When the big day came,my resolution to be the top was steadfast.As it got closer to the race,my anxiety boosted and was shown in my trembling hands and quivering lips."Beep!" The race began and I instantly plucked up my greatest power with an obscuring mind and commanded every muscle to function.Midway through the game,my limbs that dragged me forward unremittingly were numb but I ignored all signs of tiredness due to the overwhelming aspiration to win.Once I felt my hands hit the terminal point,I glimpsed at the display screen to look for my fate.It had been the biggest disappointment ever; I was the first runner up for zero point three second slower than the champion.
Buffeted by the result,I wept with remorse."You've tried hard!Don't blame yourself," my coach,who used to be merciless,offered the most soothing encouragement I had ever heard from him."Just make it next year.Still a chance,right?"Frankly,I knew,better than anyone else,that it was impossible for me to maintain that strength in other year's time.Despondent over the pulverized dream,I sat on the stadium and reflected speechlessly.What brought me this pity was the flippant attitude and deficient practice I had,leading to a squander of time without improvement and an unsteady groundwork.When I ultimately realized the significance of working hard,it was too late to emulate those who were already ahead of me.I regret my sloth at early stage which brought me the disastrous consequence though this belated introspection could never redeem my fault.
Such an experience,nurturing me how to make the decision between dedication and compunction,had been meaningful to me.From then on,knowing that the best way to turn my fiasco into a valuable lesson is to avoid the blunder in the future,I worked exceedingly hard at school.I did not let a single minute pass without a value and grabbed all the chances to equip myself with a view to being leader rather than the laggard.Thanks to the experience in the pool,I did not let myself down in the two senior years by performing my best.In retrospect,I still can't help feeling regret for the race but in the future,I am determined to never to be three tenths of a second late again.
When I realize UF is the optimal university for me to accomplish my goal as a pharmacist by the sound programme the reputable school of pharmacy offers,I know I have to strive for a degree at all cost.Doing my utmost in anyway I can is my strategy to avoid the greeting of regret.I dare not say I have got all the inspiration like the geniuses,but the ninety nine percent perspiration,which is critical yet maybe absent in some prodigies,is my biggest vantage that keeps me pushing myself forward.My swimming experience may not be a superb one,but it is my firm belief that the determination and stamina I acquired will lead me the way to become a promising student in the UF.
