This is the essay I am most worried about, so if you could please give me any advice on how to improve it, I would appreciate it very much. Also, I will do my absolute best to make any improvements to your essays if they are due soon also. Thanks a ton!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Can you imagine being a poor, young child in desperate need of regular kidney dialysis that your family simply cannot afford? Yeah, me neither. That is why I felt so touched when my dad told me about a girl, around my age, suffering from this exact situation. I was in fifth grade living in Maryland at the time, and my dad's squadron decided to begin a fund-raiser to help the sick girl. The chiefs collected the aluminum openers on the tops of soda cans, so they could recycle the aluminum and use the profit to buy the girl her dialysis. I was inspired by the squadron's plan, and concocted a similar one of my own. If the chiefs at my dad's squadron could make a difference with these can tabs, then how much money could I raise if I asked my entire school to contribute?
That day, I wrote a letter to my principal. I explained to her what my idea was and asked her if we should try and do a similar fund-raiser. I was called out of class into a meeting with her the next day. She had read my letter and agreed that the school would be an excellent place to have a can tab drive. We set a goal of 2,000 can tabs and started collecting right away. I appeared on my school's televised announcements once a week to push people to drink soda and save the tabs. I was amazed with the wonderful generosity my school showed. We passed up the 2,000 benchmark by quite a bit. The final count was over 30,000 can tabs, which filled up two entire trash bags. The drive was so successful, that the school continues it even today, seven years later. Not only is it still held every year, but it continues to raise more money each and every year.
This experience has taught me much about both myself and others, but three things stand out most. I learned how to grab people's attention. For example, I was chosen this year to compete in an oratorical contest for the American Legion Scholarship. Only three students were elected to compete, and thanks in part to my ability to grab people's attention, and speak publicly in front of them, my teachers recommended me to represent our school. I also learned leadership and organizational skills that I have put to great use in serving the marching band as an officer this year. I played a role in helping the band, which hasn't competed in any marching competitions since Hurricane Katrina, attend our District LMEA's and score an "excellent" rating in every category. The final lesson I learned from my can tab drive was that any good idea not put into action is completely wasted. Since I wrote the letter to my principal and saw what a difference I could make, I have never let a good idea go to waste. When our beta club was searching for a theme to use in our skit for Convention, I came up with the idea to perform a musical played on items like trashcans, brooms and even toilet plungers. I was appointed the coordinator for the skit and it has already placed first at our district convention, and will compete at state in January.
I value much from the can tab drive, but I will never forget how willing everyone was to do some good for those less fortunate. I have come to believe that deep down, all people have a desire to help their fellow man. That desire still burns strong for me today, and I don't think it will ever extinguish.
Wow...AMAZING essay! I really like how you made a point to outline your skills and accomplishments. Very good essay. I don't really have much more to say, I don't want to make editions that might ruin the essay. If I were you I'd leave as is, maybe double check grammar, but overall I think your essay is perfect.
Did you write all of this in one go?
No, it's been in development along with my other ones since October. I'm glad to hear that you liked it, but any suggestions would be nice. Was there anything that isn't clear? Do you feel I answered the prompt well?
Well, I would write more about the effect of your father's squadron had on you. You kind of rush into what you did in response to your fathers drive, without really putting any emphasis on the personal effect on you. Maybe write something on you felt.
Ahhh. See that's helpful. The drive that I did was supposed to be the event that affected me. Can you suggest any ways for me to make that clearer?
Lets see, I can't write for you because we probably have two different styles but I'll give you some ideas so that you can see what I'm getting at.
INSTEAD OF:I was inspired by the squadron's plan, and concocted a similar one of my own.
Try: My dad's squadron inspired me. The joy of accomplishment was plastered across their faces. Just the thought of that poor child, now being able to have some nice clothes and food to eat, stayed in my mind that whole day. I wanted to put a smile on the faces some family less fortunate than myself. That is when I concocted a plan similar to my dad's squadron. I wanted to do what they did, but more.
^ something like that. Just a tad of emotion, of some feeling, to show HOW you were inspired.
Can you imagine being a poor, young child in desperate need of regular kidney dialysis that your family simply cannot afford? Yeah, me neither.
Bad intro, first off, me neither is more colloquial, if you really want to go with this say Neither could I.
Also, the rest of the essay was fine in content, but lacked emotion as stated above.
I think you need more of an intro because you kinda just rush into your story with that one long question. And I also think that your second paragraph is very structured; you start off by saying the experience has led to 3 things, and for each one, you give an example of something that they could get off of your resume/activity record/etc. This paragraph has to be the strongest because you are speaking about yourself, how this experience affected YOU. And as others said before, give it more emotion, some figurative language, witty statements, something to keep the reader interested. All together, your essay reads like a news story not a personal essay. And I feel that last 3 sentences are what you should go into more detail about follow that style.
I hope that was kind of helpful and thanks for helping me with my essay. :)
*sigh* And here I thought I was almost done :*(
I'm going to try for one more draft of this in a few minutes. I'll try peppering in some emotion and humor, and see what comes of it. I don't think I'll be changing the first two paragraphs much though, as I think I need to lay out what is happening first.
