Tackling the 100 mile hike - a meaningful event, experience

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Prompt: Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsiblity, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to duty.

Standing on top of this mountain, enjoying the most breath taking view I have ever seen just took my breath away. Here I was looking out over the mountain range, breathing in the scent of pine trees, listening to the sounds of nature and thinking there is no better reward for all the hard work it took to this specific spot at this specific time. Looking out over the horizon was overwhelming as well as awe inspiring. After spending many days hiking and camping I cannot believe I actually made it to this spot. It all started when I was 11 years old and I joined a local Boy Scout troop. All the kids kept talking about the high adventure trips they went on and how great they all were. The one trip that they all agreed was the hardest and most challenging was a 10 day hike covering over 100 miles. So I sat there listening to them tell everyone all about their trip, the more they talked the more excited I was getting and I kept thinking this sounds challenging. How am I ever going to be able to survive such a challenging and strenuous trip. After the meeting I was so excited I could not even sit still all I wanted to do was tell my parents that this was something I really wanted to do. My parents then sat me down and started to work out a plan on what I needed to do to make myself ready for this trip and also pointed out that I needed to be older to be able to attend.

So over the next 5 years I kept working towards this goal. I spent time completing all the necessary requirements needed and created a training schedule to follow. I wanted to be in the best physical shape I could be. Then I worked on ways to raise the money for the trip. To say this was a long and hard task is an understatement. What amazed me the most was how this changed my life. The most important thing this goal taught me was that I needed to take responsibility for myself, not give up if things got hard and not let others handle this for me. I admit there were times when this was hard to do. But working towards this goal showed me that I needed to challenge myself daily. How even if there were set backs I would remember my goals and find ways to get back on track.

Knowing that all things are not easy and that to reach your goals requires hard work and perservance. I plan to continue with these life lessons to aid in my academic success while attending the University of Florida. By taking responsibility for my actions I will be able to set a good example to my fellow peers, strive to excel in all areas of my learning and to continue to give back to my community.

I think you should put your thoughts in quotations, as it makes the essay easier to read. Also, it's a little redundant. "Hardest and most challenging", specifically. You used those words a lot. I think you should also try to put a lot more description and voice into your essay, as it's very basic right now. I do like how you started with standing on the mountain and flashed back to working for the money/training.

Thanks for the feedback. Having someone else review my essay will help me to improve.

I enjoyed the essay, but there was one major flaw I noticed. You did a good job detailing your meaningful event, but didn't quite relate it to how it makes you a good contribution to UF. You spent all of 2 sentences of your body paragraph talking about how it made you more responsible which would be okay if it wasn't for the fact that the UF prompt implies it wants more or less equal attention to both requirements. My suggestion would be to simply add more qualities or skills that you gained during you time in Boy Scouts and detail how you could apply them to college. Something like "My time making the 100 mile hike, taught me how to make short-term goals in order to achieve the ultimate fullfillment" in this case the summit. Other than that, good essay!

No! Don't say the breathtaking view took my breath away. You have to come up with a different way to end the sentence.

breath-taking, "overwhelming as well as awe inspiring"---- you have too many modifiers. Get rid of some of those adjectives, and replace them with examples... imagery, things people can actually see.

:-)

It's a strange thing about writing... adverbs and adjectives weaken it unless you use them sparingly.