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Taekwondo; an assistant instructor - Michigan Short Answer


miss_anthropic 4 / 6  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

"Stephanie, if you're just going to practice kicks over there, why don't you join class?" I froze mid-roundhouse. I had been watching my older sisters' Taekwondo class, imitating their movements to pass the time, when Master Jon Engum addressed me as such. Hesitantly, I stepped onto the mat. Little did I know I was entering a community that would shape the rest of my life.

I am now one of the highest-ranking black belts at Engum's Academy, a far cry from the shy and weedy six year old I was on that first day. I am part of the Sparring Team, a select group of students who train extra hours to fight at tournaments. We are a supportive, tight-knit group because we have been through so much together. I have cheered for and coached many a young gold medalist, and I have seen those same talented athletes crying and vomiting during an intense training session; they have all witnessed me go through the same triumphs and defeats. We travel all over the country (and sometimes to Canada) for tournaments, strengthening our bond by sharing the experience of being somewhere new. I met my best friend, David, and many of my other close friends through the Sparring Team.

I am also an assistant instructor, taking charge of teaching when Master Jon is away. As a teen, and a girl at that, establishing myself as an authority figure to the rambunctious multitude of students was quite the adventure-but watching them all advance through the ranks with my help has been extremely rewarding.

It's 263 words. Do I need a concluding sentence to tie it together?
Also, I feel like some of the phrasing is awkward. Help would be appreciated.

hbenton 4 / 7  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
I had been watching my older sisters' Taekwondo class, imitating their movements to pass the time, when Master Jon Engum addressed me as such .

( you don't need "as such")

Little did I know I was entering a community that would shape the rest of my life .
(the next eight years (or however many years it has been) unless you feel very strongly that this is your life's passion (in which case, awesome :)!)

I liked the part about your authority as a teen and a girl. I do think you need a concluding sentence. Nice work :)


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