I feel like I need more specifics, but I can't seem to get any ideas on what kind of specifics. Its 569 words, so I have pretty good amount of space to add stuff. PLEASE HELP!! ANY FEEDBACK, EVEN HARSH AND CRITICAL IS APPRECIATED!!
Prompt: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
Beads of sweat flow down the nape of my neck. Blood rushes into my head. My cheeks are a cherry red. I step forward and bow. Then, right foot back, fists in the air, I face my opponent: a black kicking shield. I am now a first degree black belt in Taekwondo. When I first began learning the discipline of martial arts, it was all about kicking, punching and blocking. I felt like I could master it instantly, but it never turned out that way.
I was a lucky one in that I could learn this discipline from my father, a fifth degree black belt and a grandmaster. As my father led me through a variety of movements, I learned that for every motion, there was a purpose attached to it. For example, every time my father yelled, "Horse stance," I used to think that this was just a ready stance to prepare me for punching. However, even this stance was a move of self-defense used when somebody would grab me from behind. Also, being in martial arts did not mean learning violence, but rather going on a journey, a journey of not only learning to kick and punch but also to build character, discipline, and courage. In order to properly learn Taekwondo, I could not do it just for my own enjoyment of kicking and punching, but I needed to be fully committed not just to master the physical skills, but more importantly the mental aspects of martial arts. However, as I progressed through my journey to my black belt, the lessons began to get more difficult. I would slip and fall as I learned the new advanced kicks such as a jump spin kick. Even though I just learned the kicks and the punches, I would get frustrated at myself when my body would land on the ground. Nonetheless, I had to keep my focus and I could not forget the most important values of Taekwondo: respect, discipline, courage, and patience. Taekwondo is the only sport where students are required to show respect to their country by raising their hands to their hearts and bow to their masters, teachers, and classmates.
Taekwondo has challenged me to grow internally, as well as externally. It has taught me patience and discipline along with perfecting the kicks and punches. This is one sport where students need to be able to control themselves internally in order to do the physical motions and movements properly. It has also brought out my courage, not only the courage to take on opponents in real life but also the courage to fail - to fall, get back up, and learn from my mistakes. I know that a higher education will further my internal growth through additional challenges of independent critical thinking and further training of the mind. In Taekwondo, I am required to push myself farther than I am normally expected to go, to not lose the sight of my goal and to keep reaching for it. I will expect myself to do the same when I enter the college campus to step up and reach even higher. However I am never alone. The atmosphere of martial arts is surrounded by sources of encouragement, whether it is your master, instructor, parents, and/or other students. The road to a black belt was a journey. It was not always a pleasing one but a worthwhile one.
A few pointers:
1. I would mix up your diction when referring to punches and kicks. You use the word "punch" six times and the word "kick" eight times. Use a couple synonyms, perhaps ones specifically relating to Taekwondoe, such as "Chagi" or simply "spin kick."
2. Also, being in martial arts did not mean learning violence, but rather going on a journey, a journey of not only learning to kick and punch but also to build character, discipline, and courage.Also, learning martial arts was not about learning violence, but rather going on a journey of building character, discipline, and courage.
3. The sentence: "Taekwondo is the only sport where students are required to show respect to their country by raising their hands to their hearts and bow to their masters, teachers, and classmates" is not related to your journey in its current state. Try to tie yourself into that sentence. College admissions officers want to know about you.
4. The final two sentences are good as they are, but to make them stand out, I suggest mixing them together and beefing them up. Something like: "The road to a black belt was not always a comfortable journey, but looking back on years of dedication and seeing what it has earned me, the rewards were worth the effort."
