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Taiwan trip - the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you


Kelly Pender 1 / 1  
Aug 21, 2019   #1

a social experiment



Last year I held a cycling trip around Taiwan for the purpose of conducting a social experiment and fulfilling a self-sense of ego. Long-distance cycling has been proved to be the hardest in all dimensions of cycling and by achieving such an event can certainly boost my self-esteem to an impregnable degree. Meanwhile, the desire to experience the variation among human behavior after physical fatigue and how the individual's response under extreme conditions (cycling in a storm rain) prompted me to plan for the cycling trip. The trip has a significant impact on my interest development, I was amazed by the collaboration among human relationships, as in the willingness in people helping others when themselves were in imaginable condition. In the duration of our 9 days trip, despite all the unpleasant weather we had experienced, the complaints were scarce and my team members all showed a great magnitude of mutual corporations even when they are deliberated. I observed the 4 distinct types of people after exhaustion: considerate, irritable, empathetic and expressionless. The irritable type of personality was my greatest learning source out of the four, I learned the importance of diction selection when people were tired along with the utilization of proper tone when speaking to them. The chances of being attacked by people who tend to get more emotional under fatigue are unable to diminish, however, they serve as an efficient path to peek into different characteristics in a state of extreme tiredness.

(I felt like it can be improved so I need some helppppp)

Maria [Contributor] - / 727 281  
Aug 28, 2019   #2
@Kelly Pender
Hi there. Apologize for the delay. I'm here to provide you feedback on your writing.

I'm going to give you feedback on both the structure and content of this written work.

With regards to structure, I heavily recommend that you try to create more dynamism in the flow of your work. While it's great that you are able to expound your thoughts with such precision, I heavily recommend trying to add more variety to the length to ensure that you do not drag your essay. Take, for instance, your introductory paragraph. You could have made into two separate lines mentioning that you had a cycle trip and the one wherein you had reiterated that this was for self-fulfillment. Having this more step-by-step process will assist you in writing.

Furthermore, with regards the depth and what the content encompasses, the last portions of your essay remain to be a little bit abstract in their entirety. I recommend adding more details as to what you pertain is this efficient path.


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