Here is the personal statement#1 for my UC app, I hope my not-so-fluent English doesn't cause much trouble/confusion in the essay. I think there are a lot of stuff that I can do to make it better/stronger but I have no idea of where to start and what I can do with the holes. Please advise me as much as possible(don't worry about being nice) and thank you very much! wish you all have a great thanksgiving break!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from- for example, your family community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Come on, are you even a Taiwanese? This is the response that I often hear from my fellow Taiwanese friends when debating about the Taiwanese foreign policies. Thanks to the comparatively short, but turbulent, history of Taiwan, most of the Taiwanese people have developed a sense of superiority over other countries, and a sense of Taiwanese identity, or pride, which can never be outstripped.
Being born in Taiwan, an island next to China, with a democratic government and twenty-three million very patriotic citizens, I was taught that Taiwan is economically more developed, and socially more stable, than China and therefore is unquestionably "better". However, as I cultivate myself from education, I also recognize the accords between those two countries and their people. The facts that Taiwanese and Chinese people both speak Mandarin, have the same culture, and share the same social values embedded me with some incertitude for the first time: can Taiwanese truly be better if the two are virtually the same, and if I should stay as assertive about Taiwanese superiority as I used to be.
Three years ago I came across the Pacific Ocean for a more liberal Western education, and for the first time I encountered numerous ethnicities concurrently. Getting to know most of my classmates, I instantly discarded the idea that we Taiwanese are better. Later, as I began some ingenious but nonaggressive debates with my foreign friends, I developed my own perspective and thought that I could be objective enough to persuade my classmates of both sides of the argument.
I could be wrong in my conclusion, certainly, for what I believe in sounded as if it favors China, the nemesis of my country, but I never thought that simply expressing myself could provoke so many people. "Taiwan is not a part of China." a Taiwanese official has stated; "The Chinese government does not deserve to own Taiwan, as it is a communist country," my grandparents have said; "You are not to date a Chinese girl or hang out with Chinese people," my mother declared; "What are you talking about? If you were that much in favor of China, why don't you just go stick with them?" one of my Taiwanese friends once said, and left.
My world shaped my early adolescence with full of bias and arbitrary hatred, but I am determined to stay firm in my new position. With a different belief, my world seems completely different to me; some of my friends may have since become more distant from me, but all this can be accepted because it is my opinion and beliefs that have forged me into who I am. I do not know whether the situation will be any different in the future, but I know in order to diminish the bias and unfold the fallacies of my countrymen, I have to start with myself; it is the world where I come from and the one I am currently living in that shape my character, and thus I should stay as I am: as Henry David Thoreau had said, "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think."
Hi Fu,
If I were you, I would not choose such a topic to talk about since politics is always a very sensitive topic for a college admission essay.
um... For your essay, I think you'd better shorten the first four paragraphs, and elaborate on the last paragraph. Because I think this essay should focus on HOW YOUR WORLD SHAPED YOU but not WHAT YOUR WORLD IS LIKE (though it's also very important :-D)
Hope this helps.
Steven
Your use of commas in certain sentences is excessive and awkward. For example, instead of
"Thanks to the comparatively short, but turbulent, history of Taiwan"
it should be
"Thanks to the comparatively short but turbulent history of Taiwan"
Even though this essay involves politics, I don't think it'll cause any problems with the admissions officers. I'm Chinese myself and although I think some of your portrayals of Taiwanese hating Chinese are a bit general and extreme, it's okay with me. Like others said, you should make your essay less descriptive and more reflective. Interesting essay to read, though.
Good luck!
I have the same feeling that sensitive topics such like political topics should be avoided. I am a Chinese, when I read your essay I feel happy, but what about others? You may take risks. :)
Thank you all for replying and helping me! I do realize that writing about politics can be risky, but I think it makes a stronger comparison with me and the others...(doesn't it?)
talking about being general and radical in the descriptions/reactions, those are actually real stuff that's happened to me...I bet that you guys all know that people tend to be a little bit more...sensitive and conversative when talking about politics, but then they'd turn all raged once statements are made....
okay okay let's just not talk about that, thank you again for helping me out, I do realize now that the excessive run-on sentences create a huge problem in my essay. I had them checked and fixed, but then the whole essay sounded like another person's work. I'm guessing that it's because the tone of this essay is a bit biased and informal?
anyways, appreciate all your help and wish you all have a GREAT CHRISTMAS!
