Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. The German name transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. Contrastingly, when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada at age 19 the only thing he had was his Dutch last name. No amount of persuading could have made him alter it because it was the only thing connecting him to his family still living in the Netherlands. Now that name is mine. In the same way it connected my grandfather with his family, it now connects me with my community.
I live in a small town outside of Grand Rapids, Michigan. My community is made up of mostly western European descendants and I fit perfectly within that community. We are conservative, religious, and have been, on occasion, overgeneralized as hardworking, stubborn Dutchmen. Both of these generalizations are correct, however and not only are they correct, we are proud of them. I have never shied away from challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities while still being able to hold down a job. People may see my community and think we should slow down but we stay busy. When the economy crashed and jobs were lost, that only made volunteer hours rise and when Newsweek called Grand Rapids a "dying city," we rallied and created a lip dub that received over four million views on youtube.
Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become part of the University of Michigan Community where I'll be able to learn the last names of people with very different roots and very different communities than me.
Please help. I feel like this essay is all over the place and doesn't really tie everything together at the end. ANY suggestions would be great! I have some serious writers block!
haha i totally just finished this same essay for UofM yesterday :)
The German name transformed Doesn't really flow well. Maybe Their German name was transformed?
In contrast , when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada at age 19, the only thing he had (does that mean your maternal family had something when they came over? was his Dutch last name.
. My community is made up of mostly western European descendants and I fit perfectly within that community. We are conservative, religious, and have been, on occasion, overgeneralized as hardworking, stubborn Dutchmen. Both of these generalizations are correct, and not only are they correct, we are proud of them. I have never shied away from challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities while still being able to hold down a job. People may see my community and think we should slow down, but we stay busy. When the economy crashed and jobs were lost, that only made volunteer hours rise, and when Newsweek called Grand Rapids a "dying city," we rallied and created a lip dub (what is this?) that received over four million views on youtube.
Even though I love my community , I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become part of the University of Michigan Community where I'll be able to learn the last names of people with very different roots and very different communities than me.
When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. Their German name was transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. In contrast, when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada from the Netherlands he didn't change his name in any way.
My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people, it's a difficult name to pronounce, but in my community it's ordinary. My community is made up of mostly Dutch descendants. In an all school photograph it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students, but I'm proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than my appearance and name. My community is hardworking and places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities while still being able to work and maintain relationships with friends. This has been instilled in me by my community. I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.
Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a wolverine and learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.
I made some revisions. Hope it reads a little better. ANY suggestions are helpful. Don't be afraid to tear it apart. :]
I like your essay. I have one little suggestion: "I hope to become a wolverine and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce." It just sounds a little nicer. And maybe you can add some more detail as to why you'd like to become a part of a new community.
Forgive me, I usually go more in depth with my suggestions, but it is late. Maybe I'll come back to this tomorrow and add more.
Hey, I'm back! I'm pretty good with grammar and sentence flow, so I have a suggested revision with comments. You can choose whether or not to make any of the changes.
When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States, they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. And they did.But when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada from the Netherlands, he didn't change his name at all . He is the reason I have my unique surname.(Or something like that to transition into the next paragraph.)
My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people (no comma here) it's a difficult (you're repeating "difficult"... how about "tough"?) name to pronounce, but not in my community. I am surrounded by mostly Dutch descendants. In an all school photograph (do you mean "a photograph of everyone in my school"?) it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students. B ut I'm proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than just my appearance and name. (Provide example here? or transition into next idea more smoothly?) My hardworking community places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class, and I am involved in multiple extracurricular activities. All while still being able to work (what do you mean by work? elaborate?) and maintain relationships with friends. This has been instilled in me by my community. (what has been instilled in you? and avoid passive voice if you can.) I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.
Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a wolverine (I don't know for sure, but doesn't Wolverine need to be capitalized?) and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.
I think you could make your ideas flow more smoothly, although I'm not too good at doing that myself. Also, are you going to add your last name into the essay? I feel like it would help, since you mentioned it but never said what it was.
Anyways, hope this helped a bit!
Sorry, these sentences are bothering me (my second attempt to revise it):
"I have never shied away from a challenging class, and I am involved in multiple extracurricular activities. Even with my busy schedule, I am still able to work and maintain relationships with friends."
Now it's sounds better, but I'm still not completely satisfied with it. *shrug* Oh well. Pick whatever satisfies you.
Thanks you so much inverselogic. I loved the ideas and took many of the :] Here's my revised version.
When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name and they did. Their German name was transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. But when my paternal grandfather, Conrad Guichelaar, arrived in Canada from the Netherlands he didn't change his name at all. He is the reason I have my unique surname.
My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people it's a tough name to pronounce, but not in my community. I am surrounded by mostly Dutch descendants. In a photograph of everyone in my school it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students. However, I am proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than my appearance and name. My hardworking community places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities. Even with my busy schedule, I am able to work tutoring at a local middle school and cleaning bathrooms and locker rooms at my school. All while still maintaining relationships with friends. My hardworking attitude and my focus on education were instilled in me by my community. I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.
Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a Wolverine and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.
I'll review your essay later on. Sorry I have a lot of homework tonight *sight*
