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"I have to take care of many everyday jobs, anxiety" - help. prompts 1 and 2!!


princess01 2 / -  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Running around trying to finish errands before starting homework or making dinner was my life after school and track practice. Living in a house with six people was tedious. My parents had come here from Vietnam without any college education or a job. Therefore, they work full-time, seven days a week. That left me caring for my two younger siblings. It was not an easy job because they are both teens and very needy.

Coming from a family of four children, with hard working parents, I have to take care of many everyday jobs including house chores, meals, transportation, grocery shopping and much more. On top of that, I have to finish my homework for the next day. My parents give me many responsibilities which they expect to be done well.

Leaving school and practice, on my way home I will usually get a phone call from my mom asking if everything is okay and explains to me what she needs help on. I also pick up my little sister from school, and get us something to eat before getting home. Hitting home is when I know I have to put in lots of effort to get through the day. I have to tidy up the house, get dinner ready, and do my homework before I get to rest. It is no problem for me to balance these responsibilities. I am very skilled at multi-tasking and completing tasks when they need to be finished. In addition to my responsibilities, I have to take care of the well beings of my siblings. If they are not feeling well, or if they need any help with homework or anything else, I am always there to lend a hand. Since I have to take care of them day and night, I have built of a skill of being a very great listener, a caring person, being great at multi-tasking, and supportive.

On top of these tasks, I manage to help out with my community and school on the weekends. I take place in many clubs and activities in school and proudly support them. I attend fundraisers, rallies, and various club events.

With many tasks in my hands, expected to be finished, I have accomplished more than any kid my age has. With this being said, I know that my dream in becoming a successful doctor is going to be outstanding. In my family, I am the one that has to deal with everyone's wants and needs. Making me more aware of people's desires, will help me succeed with this career path. I am a person who loves to help make a difference in needy lives because I have volunteered in many ways. Growing up, my friends and family have ask me for so much, I have learned how to be a supportive, perceptive and caring person.

The anxiety and excitement that pulses through my veins before I start racing is my favorite feeling. I have a passion for running and competing. One day in middle school, my friend ran up to me excitedly and said, "Lily! Try track with me!" and just for fun, I did. Not knowing where it would take me today, I made the team and raced during my junior high and high school years. As a senior, I am now the leader and captain of the track team.

Since I am a role model for our team, I am always looking to do the right thing. I have responsibilities during practices and meets: making sure that every runner has the right equipment, knows where to check-in, knows how to count steps for the relay, and how to not get disqualified. There are many times when younger teammates will get scared and not know what to do, my job is to encourage them that they will perform well.

Last year at our league meet for finals, my coach asked me to assist Lora, a freshman, because she was going to start for our varsity relay team, which had to race in fifteen minutes. I was frightened when he asked that of me because our team has always been so solid, and throwing in a younger girl for finals scared us. I had to make sure that she was warmed up and stretched, did not have any jewelry on, knew how to start in blocks, and how to hand off the baton. I did what I was told by my coach and slowly explained to her what she needed to do and how to do it. Lora said she understood me and thanked me for my help then we had to get on the track to get ready to race. Since I was anchor, the last person to run on the four-by-one team, I was uneasy about Lora starting.

As soon as the gun went off, she exploded out of the blocks, she was flying! She ran so well and had a perfect hand off with the next runner. I waited anxiously for the baton to reach me, once I received it; I got out and ran to finish the race. Even though we did not get first, we got second place and broke our school record. Meeting up with the girls after the race was amazing knowing what we just accomplished. We were so excited about our outstanding performance. Lora thanked me again and said that she could not have done it without me.

Running and competing in track has really improved my attitude and respect for other athletes because I know how much they train to get to where they are. I feel that being a part and leading this team during my high school years has really kept me out of trouble. Instead of making wrong actions, I help friends makes right ones. All the accomplishments during track have made me very proud because my coach and the sport itself have really built my character. I have learned to struggle through tough times, work with others, and tackle my problems until the finish line.
hi755 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
Maybe you should include more details and be more specific about what you are trying to say :D it has a good content though :)
Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #3
Prompt #1:
Elaborate more on your life, I don't feel like you have yet reached the pinnacle of your essay;It seems a bit like a grocery list, no offense.

Also, try to use another words besides "needy " because it becomes redundant. Other then that, job well done.

Prompt #2:
Be Consistent with the tense you are speaking in.
Try to avoid words like "so ."Ex. "I was frightened when he asked that of me because our team has always been so solid"

I see how track has "improved your attitude" and because of that, I am not sure how necessary the details of the "freshman girl" are. Try to focus a bit on yourself and your experience.

All together, you have a "solid" essay.

:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 30, 2009   #4
Running around trying to finish errands before starting homework or making dinner was my life after school and track practice.

This sentence is sort of weak... I'm not really able to explain why, but it is a weak start. I think it is because you list two after school activities and say they were your life after school and track... at some ambiguous time in your history. For a powerful sentence, say something certain:

I was not one of those kids with no responsibilities. Throughout high school, I would participate in sports and keep up with my homework, but I also had a lot of chores every day.

This needs a theme. How about a theme of "running to keep up." You can talk about running in track and running to keep up with responsibilities...


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