Hello. I just finished writing this essay and I need some help with it. I know there are probably some grammatical errors, but what I am really interested in knowing is whether or not you find the essay interesting, though any feedback will be much appreciated!
So here's the prompt:
"Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging." (>250 words)
And my essay:
What does it take to be human? What qualities do we possess as a species that make us unlike anything else that walks the earth? Is it our ability to speak, or feel emotion, or even our concept of free will? Whatever the magic formula is, computer scientists have been trying to teach computers the attributes of mankind since the field was first founded. It's not easy to teach our instincts and complex logic system to a machine, but technology has been developing at a breakneck pace, and in the next twenty to thirty years, it's not impossible to believe that we may soon engineer a machine capable of that sci-fi artificial intelligence that so many dream to create.
But what does that mean for mankind? Are we ready to be responsible for the birth of what may even become a new species? Hollywood has looked into the future and given us a grim outlook on what might happen. Movies like "iRobot" depict A.I as humanoid robots that try to destroy mankind as punishment for enslaving them. But would we really "enslave" the sons of mankind, or allow them to coexist with us? Maybe we should try and program our computers to be absent of free will. It all sounds very distant, and maybe a little ridiculous, but these decisions may be right around the corner. Artificial intelligence is one area of study I am excited to take part in because of the challenges involved with imparting the aspects of mankind on a computer. I only hope that we have some answers for the doomsday type scenarios before we hit too many breakthroughs in the A.I world.
Thank you for reading!
I think it's a good essay, but I'm confused as to what you actually find "intellectually engaging".
Is it the possibility of robots taking over? Or that you want to be able to create robots like those seen on "iRobot"? Or what? I think I'm missing the point.
Apart from that I think it's good - it holds the reader's attention.
Yeah, I understand what your saying. I'll see if I can focus my topic a little more, because it's more about the creation of A.I in general. I'll rewrite it and see what I can come up with. Thanks!
I would keep the intro though, I like it. Just make your second paragraph focus more so it's easier for the reader to pick up.
Alright. Working on it now. Thank you for your critique!
Okay, I rewrote the second paragraph, and some of the intro. Let me know if you can find something else I can do to make the essay more focused and concise. Thanks again to anyone that will read my work!
I agree with others that this is a good essay. I just read "Frankenstein" in english and this reminds me of the scientist who created the monster. Anyhow, maybe you could make some tie to that if you have the room.
Also, to me personally, this is kind of a scary concept. I am interested in pursuing science in collge as well, but I almost feel that trying to create life is taboo and messing with the powers of our Creator (or whatever name call it). I don't know if it will come off to admissions officers the same way, but I might just be paranoid because I was freaked out by "Frankenstein."
Best of luck though and is an interesting topic!
Thank you for your input. I'm afraid I really don't have the room to make any more additions. The word limit is 250 words, and if I remember right, this one cuts it pretty close. Do you have any other comments as to the content of the essay? I really just want to know if you found it interesting enough, and if you think it will stand out, though any input is appreciated :)
For the content, I would say that it is all pretty interesting and well written. The only alterations I would make are:
take out the "geeks" part. It just isn't coming off right to me and is almost a little demeaning to those that are really into computers. Not all of them are geeks per say. Reword it to say "computer geniuses" or "computer_______ (insert something else)"
you also say "...to give birth to this new, self-sufficient species that we so dream to have." I think that is a little too generalized because it is actually one of those big debates like stem cell research. Not EVERYONE is supportive of scientific investigation in these matters. I would say:
"...to give birth to this new, self-sufficient species that many (or some) of us so dream to have."
Good topic though. I think it is pretty unique.
Alright. Thanks! I may change it to say "us computer geeks" though. I'm trying to major in Computer Science, so that's kinda what I meant to say, but I didn't catch it so thanks for pointing that out.
