other children played with their Barbie doll and play stations
do you really play play stations at age 5 or 6?
and this either sounds bitter, or sound like you're superior in a sense. E.g: I'm studying my butt of for this exam, while my classmates were having a party...that makes you sound better than everyone else, even tho you were only what? 5?
o yea, also put your age or something similar, how early exactly?
As someone That is
who is. actually, simply "as someone interested"
lol sat grammar error. you said as someone, which is followed by "I", or the "someone", not the school, be careful of these grammar rules
As a student who believes in mixing different areas of education ,Carnegie
same thing here
nationally top ranked
ranked top nationally
and be more specific, no offense, but despite your use of "virtually", CM is NOT ranked nationally in almost anything, except perhaps computer science. Business undergraduate is Upenn, econ is UChicago, and so on...you should be at least accurate in this type of assertions
every one of their students is able to leave a lasting impression on the world.
really? then how come some of them still fail?
t is hard not to think that Carnegie Mellon is my ideal university choice.
saying this makes you sound like you've convinced the reader...which is a pretentious statement. It's like saying at the end of a research paper: see, it's pretty obvious that my thesis is right...
I'd suggest you reworking the why carnegie mellon programs part. You mention...nothing specific about the school, except some famous people. For an essay like this, you need to say: this program interests me because, not CM is good in every way. And it has to be beyond ranking. admins know their rank, no need for you to remind them. Altho many apply for the ranks, nobody is accepted because they said that it's pretty much the main reason they applied. Come up with something that has to do with your own life.
You mentioned african heritage, so why not talk about the diversity at carnegie mellon? that'll sound MUCH better than the high ranks.
You mentioned academics, so why not talk about the core at CM? talk about how their core pushes the students really hard and stuff (you'd actually have to search for the core tho)
anyway, good luck, and please avoid using generic/semi-false statements.