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I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major


the onw 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
hey guys this is my Carnegie Mellon essay i would like to know what you guys think
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Why Carnegie Mellon?

I have taken many journeys devoid of which I would not have experienced essential truths. My father started us off early while other children played with their Barbie doll and play stations, we would sit at home and solve puzzles because my father believes that critical thinking is the first part of success. with eight siblings, my dad felt the need to take us on many journeys and those trips were2 to help us understand that true knowledge comes not only from the walls of your class room but extends to your experience and ability to have social interactions with people . As person of African heritage who grew up in Nigeria, The value of achieving success academically and as an individual has become more stressed. At the early age of 10, I started to make an outline of what I wanted to achieve academically and also started looking at different avenues to integrate new ideas into my father's business. As someone That is interested in business and economics, Carnegie offers me the opportunity to purist both at Tepper school and school of humanities the jointly awarded economic degree. been able to learn at both colleges will give me the opportunity to get a better all round understanding of business. Drawing connections between subjects is very important to me. Hopefully having a holistic view would enhance my critical thinking

As a student who believes in mixing different areas of education ,Carnegie offers me the greatest opportunity to do that, with virtually every program nationally top ranked the ability to diversify the education received is invaluable. my desire to incorporate science into business is a major reason why I think Carnegie Mellon is the place for me

There are many advantages of going to school at Carnegie Mello . Carnegie Mellon University educated some of the brightest minds of our time from Charles Wilson (former CEO of GM) to James Gosling (creator of JAVA programming) which represent the extensive knowledge and support of the faculty at Carnegie Mellon. From the wealth of research opportunities and internships available at Carnegie Mellon, every one of their students is able to leave a lasting impression on the world.

Finally, I have chosen Carnegie Mellon because of the innumerable of opportunities available to participate in various forms of student activities. Given my interest and experience in community service, environment and student leadership ranging back to the "FOOD FOR ALL DRIVE", which I organize annually on the 25th of December to feed the less fortunate I also intend to engage myself in the student council and the Carnegie Mellon and other student led activities

Therefore, with these reasons and intentions in mind, it is hard not to think that Carnegie Mellon is my ideal university choice.
yang 2 / 313  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
FOCUS ON THE TOPIC.

the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know

please mention each college or program you are applying to.


These are the things you need to focus on, not the Pittsburgh, or the Ivy education

Unless I missed it (pardon), although you mentioned work plans, you didn't really specify what exactly you want to do. My suggestion is that you say what major you want to be in, then talk about why --> through the work plans.

And the faculties and such are great, but it's unnecessary, unless you mention the specific college or program and discuss why using the faculty.
Vulpix - / 71  
Nov 29, 2009   #3
"Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision."
This, to me, is a red flag. The prompt is asking you to be very specific about your future major and career, with less emphasis on why you developed that interest and more emphasis on the direction you plan on going in the future. There are certainly parts of your essay that address that, but I think you should do so in more detail. For example, you talk about finding energy alternatives- be more specific! Do you mean alternative means of generating energy, or greater efficiency in transportation or packaging, or what? And how do you want to incorporate science into business, for example? And what sort of business? This is the chance for you to elaborate more on your passions and interests, and you should definitely take advantage of that.

Also, if you want to talk about its location in Pittsburgh, you should probably relate that to your interests by talking about internship or research opportunities.

"the ability to receive an ivy league education and at the same time experience ."
From what I know, the Ivy League consists of Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale. In other words, Carnegie Mellon is a great school but not an Ivy, so you might want to say "Ivy League level education" instead.

This essay is a good start, but it needs more work to fully address the prompt. I look forward to seeing a revised version, and I wish you the best of luck with your application!
littleman91 1 / 4  
Nov 29, 2009   #4
It's a good thing to mention the name of alumnis
However, I think you shold talk more about your future plans
CMU wants to know about your career plan specifically!
Adding more details about your future will make your essay much better
fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 13, 2009   #5
Try to find more unique characteristics of CMU.
Don't say that oh, I love CMU, it's close to Pittsburgh.
I am pretty sure they're many other good universities near Pittsburgh. Instead try to find the specialty of your specific school within CMU
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #6
yea, your descriptions of ivy experience and the city r very very impersonal comments, better take them out.
OP the onw 1 / 1  
Dec 18, 2009   #7
sorry guys i have been out for while if its possible i would like to know what you think about this essay
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 19, 2009   #8
other children played with their Barbie doll and play stations

do you really play play stations at age 5 or 6?
and this either sounds bitter, or sound like you're superior in a sense. E.g: I'm studying my butt of for this exam, while my classmates were having a party...that makes you sound better than everyone else, even tho you were only what? 5?

o yea, also put your age or something similar, how early exactly?

avoid you's

As someone That is

who is. actually, simply "as someone interested"

Carnegie

lol sat grammar error. you said as someone, which is followed by "I", or the "someone", not the school, be careful of these grammar rules

As a student who believes in mixing different areas of education ,Carnegie

same thing here

nationally top ranked

ranked top nationally
and be more specific, no offense, but despite your use of "virtually", CM is NOT ranked nationally in almost anything, except perhaps computer science. Business undergraduate is Upenn, econ is UChicago, and so on...you should be at least accurate in this type of assertions

every one of their students is able to leave a lasting impression on the world.

really? then how come some of them still fail?

t is hard not to think that Carnegie Mellon is my ideal university choice.

saying this makes you sound like you've convinced the reader...which is a pretentious statement. It's like saying at the end of a research paper: see, it's pretty obvious that my thesis is right...

I'd suggest you reworking the why carnegie mellon programs part. You mention...nothing specific about the school, except some famous people. For an essay like this, you need to say: this program interests me because, not CM is good in every way. And it has to be beyond ranking. admins know their rank, no need for you to remind them. Altho many apply for the ranks, nobody is accepted because they said that it's pretty much the main reason they applied. Come up with something that has to do with your own life.

You mentioned african heritage, so why not talk about the diversity at carnegie mellon? that'll sound MUCH better than the high ranks.
You mentioned academics, so why not talk about the core at CM? talk about how their core pushes the students really hard and stuff (you'd actually have to search for the core tho)

anyway, good luck, and please avoid using generic/semi-false statements.


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