This is my Transfer Essay for UCs. I have the prompt is written below. The essay is 711 words long...way too many. So please give me suggestions on parts or words that could be eliminated without taking away from the main points of the essay. Feel free to correct grammar, sentence structure, and anything else you feel needs to be fixed or tweaked. Also, please tell me if you feel I have answered the prompt fully.
Thank you so much!
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What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement
Have you ever been to Toys R Us during the holiday season? When I was growing up, the aisle that appealed to me most was the lane dedicated to Barbie. As a girly-girl, the pink aisle laced with Barbie Dream Houses, Holiday Ballet Dolls, RC Convertibles, and every activity or accessory Barbie might need, were like diamonds resting on a piece of black velvet. As much as I wanted all the newest Barbie products, there was always a small disconnect between Barbie and seven year old, me. I didn't look like Barbie, my parents didn't drive Convertibles, and I had never attended a Ballet class. By the time I was eight years old, a new collection of dolls called Bratz debuted. After watching numerous Bratz commercials, I had completely sidelined Barbie. Bratz dolls were realistic, with differing personalities and physical traits that were contrary to the typical Barbie. In my young mind, the Sasha doll was someone I could become when I was older. She was the stylish leader of the group with full lips and an attitude that spoke for itself. Although the Bratz never grew to the recognition level of Barbie, the way they were mass sold to minority kids was revolutionary. Through the packaging, the placement of Bratz dolls on the opposite side of Barbies in stores, the graffiti style script and the "Z" at the end of the word "Bratz," market researchers were able to garner a product that appealed to an unspoken void in children. They effectively jumpstarted a trend that challenged the standard, by fashioning dolls that were relatable to children from all different backgrounds. Marketing is the focus field I want to pursue because it's a sink or swim business of creativity, dedication, fearless risk taking, and understanding. Marketing allows people to be pioneers that can effectively leave a mark on the lives of everyday people, even children.
During my first year of college, I got an on campus job in marketing - working to bring a greater social media presence to the university. Together in a team of six, we brainstormed ideas of how and why our internet presence would be different from all the other outlets the school sponsored. One thing we noticed after researching all the social forums the school offered, was that all the media outlets were ran by school officials. So immediately that became our greatest differentiation, and it ultimately is what appealed to students most. Coming up with a name proved to be even more difficult than content creation and designing. We needed a name that was characteristic of the school, but also was the heart of our target audience - students. By the time we were ready to launch our brand in November, we had created accounts on two of the top social media institutions. LMUpulse became a brand that broadcasted day and night from the student's perspective on things like final exam stress to our feelings on the latest events around campus. In just two months we gained a Twitter following of 150 students, and by February our following doubled. To keep our growing success, we partnered with Marian's Service Organization to showcase their event online and we also hosted an online competition during the school's greatest annual event - Lip Sync. After a successful year of partnerships and branding opportunities, LMUpulse became a social media brand recognizable to numerous students and faculty. Like Bratz dolls, LMUpulse effectively started a trend amongst social media on campus. Many departments began to seek social media interns to run their media channels. Ultimately our team was able to create a demand for something the school didn't even know it needed; along with creating more jobs for struggling students. Although there was nothing like LMUpulse online, I learned that sometimes you have to carve out a path that's unpaved in order to reach new levels of success. There is no greater feeling than creating something, and watching it grow and affect people's lives. Despite the uncertainty of my future, the qualities I have learned working in marketing have prepared me to pursue and fight for my dreams with dedication, creativity, hard work, and understanding. With these traits, I have the capability to become anything, even a pioneer in the field.
This is really good! However, you have alot of background information. I would suggest only about a paragraph of Bratz Dolls (background information), and you should include more about your interest in marketing. Basically just get straight to the point.
If possible, please look at my essay. Thank You :)