Is this appropriate for my common app short answer and any revisions will be greatly appreciated.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
This summer, I had the opportunity to take care of an Autistic and deaf 6-year old boy. At first, Michael refused to acknowledge my presence and often spent our time together alone in his room. However, what brought us together was the necklace that hung around my neck. As usual, when I put a bowl of cereal in front of Michael, he frowned at me and pushed the bowl aside. However, that particular day, Michael turned his attention back to me when he saw my necklace. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before, but Michael spent the rest of the day playing with the necklace. After that incident, when he woke to see me ready for our day together the usual frown on his face was unapparent. Babysitting Michael, a six-year-old deaf and Autistic boy, was enlightening because I never thought that a mundane object could spark a young boy's imagination and bring us closer together.
Here's my knee-jerk reaction:
I'd dramatize the beginning, cause it's got the scope for that. Really. Since it's 150 words, you might even want to wait till the end to mention that Michael is 6 and autistic, and build it up to be like you're talking about a boyfriend before that, and ending with smething like 'Babysitting Michael , a six-year old autistic boy, was enlightening because I had never thought that a mundane object could spark a young boy's imagination and bring us closer together.' I think that would be really interesting.
But that's just stylistic. Otherwise, interesting essay!
If you get the time, check out my essay? It's at UC Essay: Prompt 1
Thanks a lot, and hope I helped!
Put a period at the end.
Hey, this is as impressive as an extra-curricular activity essay can be. You did a great job, and it is kind of cool how you made the reader wonder what was going on until the end. Very good! I'm not sure I could have come up with something so good. :-)
