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"taking care of my handicapped brother and sister" - extracurricular activity

thkern 4 / 16  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
If you edit my essay I'll take a look at yours.

any critique/comments welcome!

In my opinion, the most important of my extracurricular activities is the one I spent the most time with - taking care of my handicapped 15 year old brother and sister.

Firstly, I help my parents to perform certain therapies. The one that brings the most progress is the 'Doman Delacato'-therapy where the patient's body is moved by three people in a certain frequency. We also perform dog, horse and dolphin therapies. This is due to the fact that my sister started talking through a dog when she was five years old.

Secondly, I try to raise funds for dolphin therapies. A two week therapy usually costs about 25000$. During this therapy, my brother [name] and my sister [name] are able to minimize their spasticity which is a big success for them and makes us contented.
srlee1992 2 / 7  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
aww i'm sorry to hear about your siblings and respect for what you are doing for them

however, I believe that because it is such a short essay, bringing the paragraphs together into one will make it sound less choppy.
also instead of saying firstly, or secondly... pick a transition that helps it flow better...
"not only do I help in the execution of the therapies, but i also help my funraising for..." and so on.

i hope this helped

please read mine as well

srlee1992 2 / 7  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
try not to use "most" twice in the beginning sentence if is possible

**just a suggestion** instead of trying to cover the different therapies, focus on one and detail the work, time, and patience involved with the execution of it

but overall a great improvement from the first good job :D

and please take a look at my common app essay :D thanks!
raybird9 3 / 5  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
really good improvements since the first draft.
i don't think you should change certain though.
and i agree with srlee1992 about fine tuning your piece a little to focus in detail on one or two therapies.
you're headed in a great direction with your essay, keep it up!

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