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taking challenging courses in school - evaluate my FSU Admission Essay?


bryambautista 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2008   #1
This is the subject:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Here is my essay:
Throughout my earlier years, I could only have used "Vires" and "Artes" to define myself. All my life, I have been recognized by my peers as an exceedingly talented artist, as well as a notably adroit mathematician. These compliments, accompanied by my natural talents in math and drawing describe my strength in intellectuality, settled in Vires; as well as my pursuit of art and craft, bestowed in Artes. My love for math, my curiosity for science, the constant urge to release my imagination through drawings; these three factors have helped me identify myself as an artist who's palette includes many available paths, but who's mind is unclear about what he is going to illustrate on his canvas.

While these values are supported my character, throughout middle school and most of high school, I was unsure what to do with them. It had led me to believe that all my life I had all this capacity, yet I did not know what to do because I lacked interest in enhancing the gifts I had been vested with. Even with the constant nudging of my parents to always go the extra mile in my studies, I felt it wasn't as important as going outside to play a game of football. But now, as I inch closer to higher learning, I feel I am fixing my flawed customs. I am becoming stronger in the sense of Mores, by figuring out what I can do to enhance my customs and come out with my true character. I am taking challenging courses in school to further my endowment, and I can now say that I can relate myself to the philosophy behind Vires, Artes, and Mores.

Any thoughts, criticisms, conundrums, and concerns are welcome
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 31, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

A few mechanical suggestions. "Who's" should be "whose." Remove the comma after "high school." Also, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use. The conclusion troubles me a bit because you introduce new information in it, the more "challenging courses." If you want to keep this, discuss these courses earlier on in your essay. If not, take this topic out. A conclusion should reiterate and restate the information already discussed in the piece, not add more new info in.

Best of luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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