Please, help me with grammar errors and flow. Anything else is appreciated. Thank you in advance!
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I graduated from high school on December, 2012. Since then, I was going through a process of tests to acquire a scholarship, which ended approximately in February. It consisted on tests of aptitude and knowledge, group dynamics, interviews and medical exams. That is why it took so long. After the period of tests finished and I was waiting for the results, I was only practicing swimming and having driving lessons. Then, when I acknowledged that I got the scholarship I had to prepare all the documents needed to get my I-20 and Visa. It was a very long and exhausting process.
Since I arrived in the U.S on August of 2013, I have been taking an ESL course in the University of Colorado at Boulder. I am expected to finish it on February; however, I may have to extend it while waiting for a response of the universities I'm applying for. It depends on how fast I will receive the decisions and on my management services. I'm also considering taking academic courses such as Mathematics and Physics to make sure my math and science skills don't go done. Meanwhile, I'm focusing on the ESL program and taking advantage of the time to do activities that I enjoy.
This is really good! I like it a lot and I can relate to it because in elementary school, I was an ESL student. :) I understand having to take a lot of tests and then waiting forever to get the results. You have some really good details, such as the University name, the fact that you swim and take driving lessons, and the date you came to America. These facts are great and add a lot, but I would make them a little more emotional by stressing how you felt at each event (I think you tried to do this. To make it a little better, you only have to elaborate a little). One grammatical thing I did notice is that you used a lot of gerunds (-ing verbs). Since you are telling your story, I would try to stay in past tense.
P.S. I am so sorry that I am so critical in this and that there are so many colors (This is my first post. I made an account because I thought what you wrote was really meaningful). Your grammar is actually really good (at least way better than a lot of what I read on the internet). Just remember that my suggestions are only SUGGESTIONS, meaning they are OPTIONAL. If you feel that you do not like my advice, then ignore it. I am human so I too have errors. Some of my criticism is just style, which I believe is something pretty advanced, but I think you are smart enough to understand.
Tony thank you very much for your help. I'm actually pleased that you related to my essay and created an account just for the purpose of helping me. I enjoyed your critics. They are always welcome as hard as they may be. I will for sure use some of your suggestions!
Some points I want to clarify are:
- I was a swimming athlete , so I didn't start practicing it only in the period of wait. This is what I came up with: "While I anxiously waited for the results after the end of the process, I kept practicing swimming and took driving lessons." Maybe you can rework on this part to help me.
Note that I use "process" because besides tests, I had interviews and medical exams. I did a few modifications so far. I would be great if you criticized on it again.
Also, why is "they" instead of "I" acknowledged ? I mean "when I got to know/ when the results came out and I saw my name on the list."
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Again, thank you for your suggestions. Since you know what I'm talking about, it is a lot easier. Also, I like your style; don't worry about it! I really use a lot of gerunds(laughs). But it is great to know that I'm not that bad in grammar.I just have to work more on advanced vocabulary. I'll be waiting for your response. Thank you.
Wow! It flows really nice now! Just a few touch ups I think you should make. I didn't explain this to you earlier and you may already know this, but in more sophisticated writing, contractions are frowned upon. (It is also more sophisticated to avoid personal pronouns except in anecdotes, but this is a journal entry type thing so use "I","me", etc. as much as you want).
Just a tiny phrasing thing. When you say "The process consisted on aptitude" and so on, the term is "consisted of." I actually had to do some research to make sure I wasn't wrong, and "consisting in" is a real phrase, too, but it's means " "to have X as a essential feature," which is not really what you're trying to say.
Now, for your bullet points. The part about swimming and driving flows, so it is fine.
For the parallel thing, I think that adding the word "test" works well. The problem with your original sentence is that you listed character traits/skill and events, which are not exactly the same. I originally suggested making a list of skills, but making a list of events makes perfect sense too. Now, you have three events and one skill. I don't know how I feel about "group dynamics," though. Maybe group dynamic activities?
The word acknowledge means to "accept as a truth" (Merriam Webster Dictionary) or to recognize. The people recognize that you are got the scholarship, so they are the subject, so using the subject, verb, object format, it would be they acknowledge you as receiver of the scholarship. I really don't have a great reason for why it's this way, but it's just the way I've heard it used all my life. I believe that you may be trying to say " I found out that I got the scholarship" and that's why you're thinking I...I.
But once again, good job! You're doing great and it flowed well when I read it out-loud
tonyyy
"contractions are frowned upon" ««« Can you give me an example?
Oh! I just realized that . It is not group dynamics but dynaminc groups. My bad. I also like dynamic groups activities.
Finally should I mention the activities in the end of the essay or it would too much ?
Glad to know it flows and you like it. I read it out loud myself and also enjoyed it.
Thank you a lot.
Not using contractions just means to expand them. So can't ->cannot, don't ->do not, I'm-> I am, it's->it is, etc. It's slang and not as formal, I guess.
For the closure, I suggest replacing "meanwhile" with "as of now" to emphasize that that is what you are doing now. Meanwhile is used when two things occur at once, so for example, the dog ate his food. Meanwhile, the cat, on the other side of the room, chased a mouse. Meanwhile makes it so that the actions both are simultaneous. As for the activities, it's your choice. If you are on topic, it never hurts to add more detail and clarity. If you think that it deludes your point, then you do not have to include it.
Oh yeah "As of now" sounds better. Thank you a lot Tony. You were very helpful. I think that my essay is ready to go!
Where are you from by the way ?
If you could take a look at my other essays just to say if you like it or not, it would be great!
Thank you :)
