Hi everyone,
Can any one please help me and tell me if my essay sounds good or bad. I take any form of criticism.
I also would like to know in our essay do we put a title or not ?
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
My father and I arrived at the hospital; I was very confused, all I knew was that I was going to get a big surprise from my mother. When I hear the word" hospital" I automatically think that someone has gotten sick. I knew for sure my mom was not sick, because she would eat apples all the time. As the saying going goes "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" was true because she never would get sick. My mother was/is "healthy as a horse". When I entered my mom's hospital room, I saw that she was holding something, but I was not sure what it was. As I got closer to my mom I saw that it was a baby girl my mom was holding. The day my sister was born was the day that impacted my life.
I was a little girl, who loved having the attention of both of her parents. Growing up I never had to share anything, I thought I had everything I ever desired and it was all mine. Whenever, my parents had friends over and they brought kids, I was expected to share my toys with them. The saying "sharing is caring" never really suited me. I was the child who would share my toys only when my parents told me to, otherwise I never really shared or cared about the other kids. When my new baby sister arrived everything changed. I felt as if I was being replaced. I started rebelling to my parents by acting up and doing things I would never do. I was so frustrated; I just wanted my little sister to go away. One day, I did something very terrible to my baby sister. My baby sister was on the sofa sleeping, I pushed her on to the floor. I was mad, because my parents gave my favorite plush elephant to her. As she fell to the ground, all you could hear were her cries heard throughout the house. My parents rushed immediately to my sister. I grew nervous, as my parents questioned me on what happened. My parents decided to take my sister to the hospital to check her out. As my sister was getting checked on the doctor, I told my parents on what happened. To say that my parents were mad was out of the question, my parents were extremely furious. The doctor told us that my sister was fine, that was when I felt so relieved to hear that.
The day my sister was in the hospital made me realize that I have to be responsible for my actions. Looking back, I felt that I was a bad sister who was impregnated with jealousy and anger. I never truly felt the quality "responsibility" before my sister was born. Growing up, I have learned to take care of my sister and be responsible for her. What I went through that day as made me become a more responsible person I am today.
Thanks for all the help
Very good essay... i especially love the conclusion
i would recommend you eliminate this: My mother was/is "healthy as a horse".
and we do not need titles for the personal statements.
Thanks for all the help and I just erased that sentence.
The idea of this essay is really good. There are some minor problems.
I think you can shorten "I knew for sure my mom was not sick, because she would eat apples all the time. As the saying going goes "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" was true because she never would get sick. My mother was/is "healthy as a horse"."
also
In the second paragraph, I think you should expand more on your emotions, like how you felt when you pushed her, and how you felt when she was in the hospital.
expand on the conclusion too, i think you should talk about how you act towards her today.
As the saying going goes "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" was true because she never would get sick
-Comma after because
My mother was/is "healthy as a horse"
-awkward. Remove it or try rephrasing it.
When I entered my mom's hospital room
- Eh. I really don't like how you use 'mom' and change to 'mother' back and forth. Try sticking to one throughout the whole essay
IMO, I find mother to be more formal than mom.
The day my sister was born was the day that impacted my life.
-'The day...The day' Try rephrasing it so you don't repeat.
The saying "sharing is caring" never really suited me
- comma after saying or you can just remove 'The saying'
I started rebelling to my parents by acting up and doing things I would never do
- You can word it better. "I became rebellious against my parents by acting up and doing things I would never do." <--- My way (You can make it better)
I was so frustrated;
-remove the so and I don't think frustrated is the right word you're looking for. More of an angry I think.
I pushed her on to the floor
-"I shoved her to the floor"
-if you want to keep it that way, merge on and to, 'onto'
I was mad, because my parents gave my favorite plush elephant to her.
-"I was mad, because my parents gave her my favorite plush elephant."
I grew nervous, as my parents questioned me on what happened.
- "grew"-> "became"
To say that my parents were mad was out of the question, my parents were extremely furious.
-awkward sentence
Overall, I got the idea of what you wrote. It's a good essay just need to fix and remove some extra words you put. Overall, It's a good paper.
Best of luck on admission!
Regards~
P.S. Gotten sounds and looks informal. This essay has to be formal to the reader but that is also my opinion also.
