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"Taking a Risk to be Me" LMU SUPPLEMENT

lynsiecheri 5 / 12 4  
Jan 17, 2011   #1
This is my essay for the LMU Supplement...I need some feedback. Please check for grammatical errors and sentence structure. I also need help with a closing...

I have my final sentence I just don't know how to tie it in: What is the answer to the deep insecurity we all feel? I say living day to day, whilst planning a potent future, and accepting your flaws of the day. Learning how to deal with the ugly you - right now.

Something like that...for a closer.
______________________________________________________________________ ____________

Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys?
What risks lie ahead as you embark on your college career, and the ''adventure'' of discovering and becoming yourself?

The journey to be one's self is the road we take to find out who we are. The word journey does not have a pleasant or delightful connotation, because this task itself is never easy or quick. A journey can be characterized, for example, as the annual Pilgrimage Muslims take to Mecca or the climb up the Manhattan Beach Sand Dune. A journey in the simplest terms is a strenuous march or a rough trail. Journeys generally are not taken up by the weak or physically unfit. After completing a journey, one often times feels a great sense of accomplishment. Nevertheless, the hard part is surviving and making it to that point of succession.

Not only is this journey to discovery arduous, but it is dangerous, and in Fr. Robert Lawton's words - "risky." Uncovering who you truly are is a risk some people are afraid to take. The fear of the unknown can serve as a paralysis. What if you do not like what you have unveiled? What if your peers, friends, and family do not accept who you are? Ultimately, this solo mission requires you to decide who you want to please. In an excursion such as this, some friends may be lost and family members may not understand. Regardless of their reactions, you should still be who you are. In the end, one must know that this mission is not for the betterment of mankind, but it is strictly for you. You cannot take this trip and have "soft skin." It is necessary that you prepare yourself for some tough times, but the key is endurance.

In seeking out the true self, one of the gravest risks you may encounter is, discovering your own immense power and purpose. Not only will others question you, but you might begin to question your own capabilities. "What if I am brilliant beyond belief?" Once you've discovered who you are, there is nowhere to hide and denial can't be used a scapegoat. The power a person has is incredible; we just have to not be afraid to use it.

Upon entering this new chapter in my life - college and adulthood, even more risks and challenges lay ahead. I already know who I am and what my goals are, but the challenge is to not be distracted or lost sight of my focus. I do not want to go to college and come back someone who has compromised their morals and standards. I would prefer to come back as someone with a new outlook and wider perspective on different topics. Even in this situation, the key is strength and endurance. Ever since I was a little girl in elementary school, my parents and teachers have always said this same nagging quote: "Failure is not an option." Going to college and learning new information is a great risk. I am plagued with thoughts of, what if I do fail? Instead of focusing on the negatives, I have chosen to switch the question around. What if I do succeed? I will not let my own self hold me back from reaching my true potential.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 25, 2011   #2
It's god if you give some acknowledgement and discussion to the person who already responded. That is how we create great, thoughtful threads and people feel appreciated for helping others.

In an essay like this, you are able to accomplish a lot of things. You can show that you write well. You can show that unlike most kids you put a lot of thought into planning your future. If you are really good, you can even give the reader a valuable experience of reflection; the reader can really enjoy what you write, just as she enjoys a novel she reads for pleasure. What did you accomplish here?

I think you accomplished something great: proving that you write and think very, very well. But it is also true that you are explaining the question to them instead of demonstrating that you have thought a lot about planning your future. What specific obstacles will YOU face because of your specific goals?


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