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"The tale of Mr. Vandal"(undecided) common app essay


PsioVana 3 / 11  
Oct 18, 2010   #1
Hey! I am new here. This is my personal essay written recently for common app question. Any comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated !(Oh, by the way, I am a foreign student, so some of the language in this essay will sound a little...wierd. Forgive me!)

[i]"Go your own way. Let others talk!"--Dante.
"Formulation of a question is far more essential than its solution." -Einstein
"Learning stems from thinking. Thinking stems from questioning." --Confucius.
"Rules only have two functions: first, to be our guide, second, to be challenged"--Mr. Vandal
[/i]

Among his classmates, Mr. Vandal is a truly eccentric man. He has been known as a skeptic and rule-breaker. His love of debate and critical thinking earned him the comically translated nick name "Mr. Vandal." "We NEED NOT follow the hidden rule "one should only make positive remark on meetings or seminars". Once we have question or different opinion, we have to speak out; this is self-evident."He always says.

Everyone can recall many of his anecdotes.

Anecdote 1
"Sir, I believe your approach was very absolute and inaccurate." Without even a single sight, everyone knew it was Mr. Vandal speaking. During a seminar on Confucian philosophy, Mr. Vandal was questioning a celebrated scholar who argued that "we should befriend our betters but never our inferiors." while others were complementing the scholars' theories to show "good manners". Regardless to others' stupefaction to the breaking of the mood, Mr. Vandal continued: "If we only befriend our betters for their being superior, we assume the position of inferiority and, according to your absolutism, our betters would never deign to befriend us. People are equal and that society would not survive very long if it is merely divided in to absolute group like 'betters' and 'inferiors'". ...Like this case, Mr. Vandal's questionings are omnipresent in every seminar.

Anecdote 2
"I keep thinking, Mr. Vice Minister," Mr. Vandal's voice appeared behind the vice Minister of China Statistic Bureau, who had given a speech about economy to our school students and was about to leave, "that your speech was filled with professional idiom and concept which were so distant from our ordinary life that our school dissuaded us from asking questions. Thus I advice, Sir, that you tell us something imminent: what academic preparation should we middle school students make if we were to study economy in college?" Again, the Vice Minister's entourage, our principal, knew that Mr. Vandal not only broke school's rule "Better not to ask questions in case of appearing amateurish", but also questioned prestigious minister's speech face to face without any fear.

Besides, Mr. Vandal wrote" good writing is an articulation of one's own creativity, not a stitching together of borrowed fragments" on his assignment when our teacher asked us to begin compiling a notebook of citable quotes and passages. He sharply claimed "the garbled, muddy sound quality of our school's P.A announcements was seen as a joke" while others were speaking ingratiatingly to the principal about their achievements at school meeting. He seemed "enjoy" questioning everything, from what he called "trite" theories in textbooks to conventional ways of behaving.

As you may assume, 'Mr. Vandal' is me. Others always characterized that I questioned everything because I wanted to be "funny" or to "show off". However, unlike what they said, I have my own reason of being who I am.

I deeply value our country's most inspirational historical era, the May 4th Era, which marked the beginning of the modern Chinese Renaissance. Student demonstrations against the government sparked a long-suppressed hunger among Chinese youth nationwide to "think, speak and act independently." I took this statement as my motto. Alas, the spirit that was the heart of this era has already departed. Today, a Chinese youth's entire academic life is based on preparation for exams; students are not trained to think independently but to adhere simply to the maxim: "The students' task is to study." I wanted to resurrect the spirit of May 4th.

But I was not, as many claimed, "the vandal". The youth of the May 4th Movement were not at all skeptics of the old world, but innovators of new, more humanitarian China. My skepticism towards convention and regulation stems, also, from a need to CREATE rather than to destroy. Therefore, I organized a volunteer group called the Smiling Society which was designed to take student out of the Ivory Tower to under-privileged children of migrant workers. During an interview with CCTV, I held that by inspiring a group of school students to actively help and identify with people truly in need, we were making progress on our respective roads to self discovery. I knew I broke the rule that "Students' task is to study", but I also knew I was CREATING a path to a social scope.

Among my classmates, I am truly an eccentric man; they call me "Mr. Vandal. But I am 'Mr. pursuer-of-my-own-way' rather than 'Mr. Vandal'. I question, therefore learn. I break rules, therefore I discover the spirit of youth. I come to be my true self, therefore I create my own path. This is who I am: Mr. Vandal, a.k.a, Mr. Creator-of-a-new-way.
Vikram Kaleka 1 / 5  
Oct 18, 2010   #2
Some quick suggestions:
Give the first few lines a read one more time, you've used quotation marks incorrectly in a lot of instances. I also don't understand how his nickname can be the same as his real name.
OP PsioVana 3 / 11  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
Thanks. Mr.Vandal is my nick name. I am writing about myself. I believe you've misunderstood something...If you had seen "As you may assume, 'Mr. Vandal' is me." in paragraph 7, you would had had a better understanding. But all in all, thanks again. You are the first one reading my essay!
simbamaxxed 5 / 59  
Oct 18, 2010   #4
Ren,

First of all,the confucious and einstein quotes are unneccesary,mainly because they are not related to the subject matter.

Secondly,the essay is too long winded and confusing.You take too long to reveal that you are indeed Mr Vandal,and therefore end up puzzling the reader until the very end.There are too many ideas that are intertwined and therefore the reader is unable to understand what you are writing about.From Confusian seminars to the school's PA system to the Chinese minister to under privileged migrant workers to the Smiling society to your television interview etc...It's too much! Focus on one thing and get the best out of it,rather than write about several things which have no obvious connections.

All in all,your essay needs FOCUS.My suggestion is,from the array of things you have chosen in this mix of ideas,just choose one or two ideas and write about only those things.At the moment,you have too much going on here.
OP PsioVana 3 / 11  
Oct 18, 2010   #5
Thank you for your advice! Indeed it is my first time to write a personal essay and I am not very familiar with American preference...But I will try to FOCUS as you said! Thanks.


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