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'talent in the field' - the world I was surrounded and how it shaped your dream


dobalilago 3 / 10  
Aug 11, 2012   #1
Hi guys, I need to see if there are any grammar mistakes on this one.. And any sentence that don't make sense. Thank you so much for your help!

I have been having two dreams since attending an American high school 3 years ago. Looking backward, the world I was surrounded meant to aspire me to have those two dreams even when I was younger. As a little child, I used to love teaching something although I had not much of knowledge. Nevertheless, I always wished to share my know-how in professional way. Having a high school carrier in the U.S. shaped my vague thought more specifically and divided it into two parts: temporary and ultimate dreams. The temporary one is to go to a college of a high quality, which has an effective educational system, and to meet with engineering people who succeed in the school. My ultimate goal is helping people with my professional engineering skill and notifying Koreans of the skills and how American educational system is efficient.

It is probably known by now, but Korean school environment strictly controls students' freedom. They are expected to go to college even though they are stupid. I was no exception to this situation. I was pressured even more to succeed academically because I was the oldest son in my family. I did fairly well in school, but I hated the circumstance forcing me to study. Along with that, I abhorred physical punishment at school and bullying issue, which are typical matters in Korea. I had no idea how to find my authentic self.

Until I actually experienced American school life, I never imagined I would feel shocked with exchange student program. There, American students are accustomed to choosing activities and budgeting their time whereas Korean students don't even have choice or free time to do anything. I was doubt with this system at first because I was not used to it. However as time went by, with the school where focus is more on cognitive development and critical thinking, I rather became self-motivated to learn. My mind found settled, not being stressed by so much academic pressure.

Advocating American education, I continued my high school carrier in America by attending Lancaster Mennonite High School after I was done with the exchange student program in Michigan. In my junior year, I was definitely firmed I made a right choice as I took "Small Engines" class that discovered myself that I have interest in engineering. The class was fully based on practical works rather than rote memorizing concepts, which I long desired, and I would have not got that opportunity if I went to school in Korea. I quite felt excited.

Realizing I have a talent in the field inspired me to study it in a qualified institution. If I enter a college in Korea, I will be interested in only taking a look at my GPA. But what good is that? Those schools become inferior when compared to American ones. If I enroll in an American school of engineering, I will meet with many experts in engineering, and I will be more skilled in the field. It will be my honor to use my engineering understanding to develop the field in my home country. Furthermore equipped with the knowledge I earned throughout my school career in the U.S., I will be able to spread this ideal educational system to Korea so hopefully students there can develop critical thinking to advance the nation.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Aug 12, 2012   #2
Hi :) I can help you with your paper. I will focus on the introduction.

I have been havinghad two dreams since attending an American high school 3 years ago. Looking back , the world I wasthat surrounded memeant to aspireinspired me to have those two dreams, even when I was younger. As a little child, I used to love teaching something, although I had not much of knowledge.did not know much. Nevertheless, I always wished to share my know-how in a professional way. Having a high school career in the U.S. shaped my vague thoughts intomore specificallyconcrete ideas and divided itthem into two parts: temporary and ultimate dreams. (You may want to replace the word "dreams" with "goals")The temporary oneMy short term goal is to go to a high quality college of a high quality,whichthat has an effective educational system, and to meet with engineering peoplestudents and faculty who succeed in the school. My ultimate goal is helping people with my professional engineering skills and notifying Koreans of the skills and how American educational system is efficient.

I think you should re-phrase this last part--- "notifying Koreans of the skills and how American educational system is efficient."

Nice job! Good luck in school :)
OP dobalilago 3 / 10  
Aug 12, 2012   #3
Thank you very much for your help!


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