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'maybe talked about food too much' - Why Bates supplement


joke0611 5 / 18  
Dec 22, 2008   #1
Why, in particular, do you wish to attend Bates?
Answer in 2 to 3 paragraphs

I want to make a difference. I don't have to change the world, but I want to make something of myself in college. I want to do internships, conduct a research project with a professor, to be a committed sports fan, and to help out in the community. I believe that Bates will give me the chance to pursue all these goals while I can still maintain my sanity. The 4-4-1 calendar will give me time to participate in many activities that may not be possible at other schools. In the final 5 week course, I could take advantage of this time and finally commit to a job. And with all these multitude of opportunities I hope to begin a new life at Bates.

I love to eat food whenever I want. I like how I would not be limited to the amount of food that I can eat per week if I were to attend Bates. When I go to college, this place is going to be my new home for the next four years of my life. I want to make this new location feel as close to home as possible. At home my mom does not tell me that I can only eat 20 meals for the week, so I should not be told the maximum meals I can get per week at my new home. When I was told of the unlimited meals for the meal plan I was ecstatic because I knew that my experience at this school would be even better for me. This school seems to be made for me. Bates seems to know that I love food, and is welcoming me with open arms to come to its school.

so when i showed it to my mom she thought that i maybe talked about food too much. is that true? and would the school think that I'm obese for some reason, because I'm totally not. any advise please?

Sapphire 8 / 10  
Dec 23, 2008   #2
I think you wrote about the equal amount of food and college stuff. When i read it , i didn't think that you are obese. It's just that you like food and enjoy it. Me too :)

I think it would be better if you have another paragraph about the college and leave the last paragraph for food.

Here's a revision for the 2nd paragraph:
I love to eat food whenever I want. I like how I would not be limited to the amount of food that I can eat per week if I were to attend Bates. When I was told of the unlimited meals for the meal plan I was ecstatic because I knew that my experience at this school would be even better for me. This school seems to be made for me. Bates seems to know that I love food, and is welcoming me with open arms to come to its school.
OP joke0611 5 / 18  
Dec 23, 2008   #3
thanks so much!
that really helped. now I just need to do more research on the school to make sure I know my stuff.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Dec 23, 2008   #4
I want to make a difference. I don't have to change the world, but I want to make something of myself in college. I want to do internships, conduct a research project with a professor, to be a committed sports fan, and to help out in the community. I believe that Bates will give me the chance to pursue all these goals while I can still maintain my sanity. The 4-4-1 calendar will give me time to participate in many activities that may not be possible at other schools. In the final 5 week course, I could take advantage of this time and finally commit to a job. And with all these multitude of opportunities I hope to begin a new life at Bates.

Awesome, this first paragraph is great! However, your mom is right: the whole second paragraph has got to go! Replace it with a discussion of the ACADEMIC resources provided by Bates. You might need to do some online research to find out about the resources associated with your interests or intended major.
baubau 4 / 11  
Dec 23, 2008   #5
i think you mom is right!!!!admissions would probably want to hear more of your academic or activities interest that bates can offer, for example you can talk more about how liberal and open minded the school is with multi ranges of education...
hkass001 1 / 4  
Dec 23, 2008   #6
If I was an admission officer I would find your essay refreshing and original. Good job.
OP joke0611 5 / 18  
Dec 24, 2008   #7
thank you!
well i did add another paragraph about the writing program and how successful they are of getting students into medical school which i'm very interested in

and i cut out some stuff in the 2nd paragraph so that it's not too much bout food i guess


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