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"talking to the Colorado Speaker of the house" (CU Boulder admission essay)


firu 2 / 7  
Jan 8, 2011   #1
Please i need as much help as possible, english is my second Language, so If you have any sugestions with the grammar please give me all the feedback possible!

The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

We patiently waited outside the legislator's office. I was hoping that I wouldn't make a mistake, and kept repeating to myself my prepared speech. After all, we were about to talk to the Colorado Speaker of the House. Fifteen minutes passed and, his assistant opened the door, and with a kind smile she led us to his office. He greeted us, and you could tell by his body language, that meeting with two fifteen year old girls was not on his priority list.

We were there to ask the Speaker to oppose a bill that could potentially increase racial profiling. My friend Angelina was there with me. We were part of a group of young Latinas that wanted to increase awareness about issues that affect our community. Angelina, a petit, short haired, Colorado native quickly started to voice our concerns; since we only had a few minutes to make our point. She laid out what the bill was about.

She told the Speaker that if the law passed that she could get pulled over because of the way she looks. The officer could potentially assume that she was undocumented, regardless of being a U.S. citizen.

It was now my turn to speak. When you look at me you will find a fair skin, green eye, blonde hair teenager, but when you hear me talk you will listen to a very distinctive South American accent. I am Venezuelan with German and French ancestors so I do not look like your "stereotypical Latina".

I could tell by the look in the Speakers face that he did not expect that I was the immigrant in the room. I explained to him that there is a stereotype about our community and that if this bill passed those stereotypes could turn into racial profiling. He thanked us for voicing our concerns and off we went.

Generally, here in the U.S your diversity is based on the color of your skin: white, brown, black, yellow, and the color of your skin is linked to your ideologies, potential or expected future. If you are Latino, you are brown, you are catholic therefore you are anti-choice and anti-gay, you are likely to drop out of high school and if young, apathetic to politics. I know that I am not a stereotype, to me diversity is more than skin color, and it is a way of living, learning and thinking.

The bill did not pass. This experience taught me that regardless of your age, language barrier, and background if you believe in something you should speak up.

In order to speak up you need to be educated because education is power and it can bring a society forward. Since that day, I have now lobbied on many issues of importance to me. I believe in CU Boulder's dedication to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all, and I believe that I will be an asset because I will be an active student on campus not just another number.
Some one 3 / 7  
Jan 9, 2011   #2
Very Nice!!. This essay not only expresses that you will add to the diversity of the university by being a latin american, but also hint at your ability to contribute to the diversity on a much greater magnitude, i.e. the speaking to the speaker of the house. Overall, this essay is well written and shows that you are a proactive person. Nice :)

I am not a grammar freak nor a english master, but I have found some minor error...

After Fifteen minutes passed and , his assistant opened the door. With a kind smile, she led beckoned us to follow her to the senator's office. The senator greeted us in a luke warm manner(donno if this is spelled right); you could tell by his body language, that meeting with two fifteen year old girls was not on his priority list.

This is the only major error I can find, but some places sound kinda rigid and not flowing. But I am sure C. boulders will understand ;)
OP firu 2 / 7  
Jan 9, 2011   #3
Some one
Thank you so much for your feedback!!...It was very heplful


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