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TAMU ESSAY TOPIC B - a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people


joystar17 1 / 2  
Oct 25, 2015   #1
**Hi, I'm currently applying to colleges and wanted to know if any of you guys could help edit my essay, thank you so much in advance**

Topic: Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.

I am a first generation child, my parents are both natives of Yaounde, Cameroon, since the time of elementary school I've always heard the phrase "Oh your parents are from Africa, how can they even teach you?" Hearing those words come from my fellow classmates made me feel as if I was different, that because my parents were foreign it suddenly meant that I can only succeed for less, many of those thoughts lingered but only progressed when I sadly heard it from my own family member. An older sister- Somebody that is supposed to be a role model, someone to give you advice when you don't know what to do, a shoulder to cry on when things get rough and a friend to be when you need comforting, and as someone once said "the more years they had on you, the more wisdom they could pass down to you", but in my case having one older than you by eight years didn't make a difference. I remember the day when those words came straight out her mouth, "Michelle, you'll never make it, you'll be a dropout just like me" hearing those words come from my own flesh and blood hit me with a wave of emotions filled with anger and disbelief, the fact that someone dearest to me would say that was unimaginable and when she left that day I made a promise to myself, a promise that I would become someone better than my sister, someone who will one days helps those in need around the world, and especially a role model that my younger siblings could look up to. Having said that, after hearing those words from my sister it only later motivated me into only doing things that would only lead me to success such as extracurricular courses and AP classes because I knew that in my heart and every fiber in my body I wanted to be someone more than what others expected me to be; someone that will/can succeed as a first generation and show to my parents that coming to America was not a waste and now as a senior I only hope to strive towards my goal of being a Pediatrician and prove to my fellow peers as well as my sister that I will become someone to benefit this world and I shall not stop until I do so.
DjSandoval - / 1  
Oct 25, 2015   #2
... my parents are both natives of Yaounde, Cameroon.

S ince the time of elementary school I've always ...

... I can only succeed for less.

M any of those thoughts lingered ...

An older sister.

... you'll be a dropout just like me".

H earing those words come ...

T he fact that someone dearest ...

... someone that will and can succeed as a first generation ...

I made some punctuation corrections. There are still some sentences that are run-on but I do not know how to make it where it does not lose its meaning, especially the italicized part. Also, the way it is written is very good, it answers the second half of the prompt. However, I believe that you should elaborate more on your sister and her beliefs over education to be able to answer the first half.
OP joystar17 1 / 2  
Oct 25, 2015   #3
@DjSandoval- Thank you for your feedback! I'll definitely go over my essay once more and try to fix some of those run-ons.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 28, 2015   #4
- since the time ofduring elementary school
- I've always heard the phrase
- AnMy older sister-,s omebody
- Having said that,A fter hearing those
- words from my sister it only later motivated me
- into only doingto do things that
- would onlywill lead me
- I knew that in my heart,and every fiber in my body( we delete this phrase as it's unnecessary, you're pushing it too hard

- someone that will/and can succeed
- as a first generation and show to my parents
- and prove to my fellow peers as well as my sister but more to myself
- and I shallwill not stop until I do so.

Michelle, it's not a very good environment that your own family takes you as it is, however, always look at the bright side, be optimistic and make sure that you don't hold a grudge on your sister, she has her own reasons and she's a family.

Now, I did a few enhancements on your essay, I hope it helps.
OP joystar17 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2015   #5
@justivy03- Thank you for your feedback and advice! I really appreciate it.


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