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'I taught them English and music' - essay about Volunteer work

cissylewel 5 / 24  
Oct 29, 2009   #1
my worst essay-- volunteer work. I use the essayrater, and get only 51. I welcome any criticism!

All of my friends had difficulties to believe that I begun working for volunteer station by teaching left-behind kids. Being affluent and even spoiled, my initiation to go to the poor city outskirt is the yearning to observe how pauper kids, mainly the left-behind children whose rustic parents do the sweat-or-blood-cost jobs to build big city, live.

The shabby classroom contained about 20 9-to-10-year-old kids. They were as shy as I was first we meet, but gradually getting familiar with me that one day while I parked my Buike into the HOME OF LEFT-BEHIND KIDS, 10 or more of my little students enclosed me, begging for taking a ride of the car that they had never sat on. And once when I brought my projector, planning to show them some slides, a 9-year-old boy put his black hands on my baby equipment, asking me if it was a laptop.

I taught them English and music general, but the most useful thing I brought there, I think, is a picture of unfamiliar but wide world and futureïthese keep kids from narrow viewpoint. And at that time I realized the responsibility I shall take to keep me from fragile performance, as a grow-up.

Academically neediness makes them wonder much more than their poor schools provide; thus they try strenuously absorbing knowledge, no matter how tough the way maybe; financially neediness never destroys their will to capture happy lives, but compels them to be stronger, like Chinese preceding generations who transformed the conventional and backward China, with traditional brave and fortitude that the so-called main-trend teenagers lack.

Determining that social work a part of my lifelong business, I stayed and cherished the social and self cognition renewing during these days.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 29, 2009   #2
My god! You've been mauled by a thesaurus! Try rewriting this using words you are comfortable with, then repost. While you're at it, get rid of your dangling modifiers and make sure you are using gerunds and infinitives in the right places.
bmachado 5 / 23  
Oct 29, 2009   #3
I agree with EF_Sean. Using a thesaurus is fine just as long as it is not evident that you are using one. You want to have yourself be reflected in your essay and using all kinds of words that you wouldn't normally use kind of masks who you really are. Also a lot of the sentences are kinda awkward sounding. If you have microsoft word then you can check grammar and things too and it might make it flow a bit better.
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Oct 29, 2009   #4
yes````u r totally right! i myself feel the use of word is the worst! since i don't know what to write! thanks!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 30, 2009   #5
It is good to try building your vocabulary, but using a thesaurus isn't a great way to go about accomplishing that goal. A thesaurus is more for reminding you of synonyms you already know. Without context, you can't easily tell the connotations of any new words you see in a thesaurus, nor how they are usually used grammatically. Reading widely is a better approach to vocabulary building.
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Oct 30, 2009   #6
thank you guys!
so i decided to give up this activity essay... it sucks, really.

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