My English is not as great as i want it to be, coming from an immigrant. Any grammatical and constructive criticism are grateful.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
When I moved to California with my mom and my two brothers, it was the last thing on my mind because California was nothing but a name and a new "home." Even though I lived in Chinatown Los Angeles for only a year, I remembered the unstable wooden steps I would have to traverse to get down...
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Thanks:)!
Im am also applying to UC, yay!
"it was the last thing on my mind"
-A little wordy
"California was nothing but a name and a new "home.""
-"nothing but" should be chanaged to "just"
- "home" shouldnt be quoted
"I remembered"-
-this should be "I still remember"
"my apartment, the steep"
-there should be "and" in place of the comma
I really like your essay. You did a great job describing your weaknesses and your accomplishments. However, you should elaborate a little more about how the teachers were persistent.
When I moved to California with my mom and my two brothers, it was the last thing on my mind (What was the last thing on your mind?) because California was nothing but a name and a new "home." Even though I lived in Chinatown Los Angeles for only a year, I remembered the unstable wooden steps I would have to traverse to get down from the second story of my apartment, the steep hills on which I walked up and down to get to the bus station so I could catch a ride to Castelar Street Elementary School. As I walked into the room, my classmate, "Hok Seu Tan," would smirk and laugh at my name and the way I talk. During the middle of class, ______ would pull me out of the room to be escorted to a different classroom. Inside the classroom were two wooden tables, four wooden chairs, and a whiteboard with E.L.D (Insert Acronym in Parenthesis) written in large letters across its surface. By that time, I knew I was different from everyone else. I was pulled out of class almost every day to learn nouns, verbs, sentences, pronouns, and punctuations. Some days, I would not get much done and progression seemed far out of reach, but with persistent teachers, English soon became my second language.
So everything in bold is what I changed and the red is just suggestions. I think I changed most of the tense errors but I don't know if I caught all of them :) Good luck on your applications!
As second grade ended, the last day of school filled me with a lot of hope. The stench of rain from the day before still lurked in the air as I walked up to receive my first award in front of everyone at school. I remembered my mom's screams of happiness as she proudly told me how grateful she was to have me as her son as tears run down her cheeks. My very last day in Chinatown Los Angeles was filled with memories of happiness as I received the "Student of the Year Award" at Castelar Street Elementary School.
My days in Los Angeles created a memory that will guide me throughout my academic (Change to the rest of me life?) life. The feeling of pride as my mom brags about my award to my many relative overwrites my fear as I immigrated into the United States not knowing a word of English or who I really was. That fear dissipated as I learned the alphabet, made words, and read books. Although learning English has helped me in school, receiving my award is a material reminder that with persistence, I can accomplish great things. To me, my success in learning the English language and persistence was not just from myself but from the substantial amount of help from my teachers. Teachers create futures and directly impact their students; my teacher, specifically, taught me what type of person I am (Delete) . My teachers taught me persistence, gave me motivation to learn, and set high standards (High Standards of what?) in addition to the usual calculus, chemistry, anatomy, and history. When accepted to the University of California, I plan to work hard and enjoy my college life, the life that my teachers and my experiences have given me.
