In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
A young child is a symbol of innocence, and purity. They're light shines through, no matter in what dark they are put in. I love kids. I myself, was an abused underprivileged child, so I do my best to give back to my community and to the kids.
Grace Place for Children and Families is a well respected non-profit organization, that gives back to it's community in ways more than one. It opens doors for people who just need help in doing so. It provides free tutoring, food donations, babysitting, motherhood classes, ESOL classes, and much more. I respect Grace Place, and admire what they do, that is why I have been volunteering my time, for the past three years.
At Grace Place, the kids get the opportunity learn and grow. They could play games, get help with their homework, but one program I noticed they didn't have, was a chorus. Being in a chorus three years straight in middle school, I was inspired to star the program with the kids. After doing the paper work and getting together with a friend that ha more experience than me in that particular chorus, we started the program. At first we only had five kids that stated, but we worked with what we had. We didn't have a radio, we didn't have music sheets, we didn't have music, we had to make our music and to be honest, that's all we needed, and it sounded beautiful. We worked on their vocal skills, did duets with them, and song happy cheerful, beautiful songs, like "Jingle Bells", "I Believe I Can Fly", and other delightful songs. Several more kids decided to join after they heard about how good we were. Towards the end of the program, we had fifteen wonderful, beautiful voices, in our choir.
Starting the chorus took hard work and dedication. I wasn't able to take an absence of leave, because the kids counted on me. They were always early and left late, there was no way I could let them down. From this experience, I have taken with me the fruitful reward of bringing happiness into the lives of underprivileged children, who don't go expensive electronics, like those more fortunate. They were extremely grateful, and were always eager to learn. Although I didn't get paid, the love that these kids shower me everyday I go t Grace Place, is worth more, than any amount of money anyone can give me.
I really, really like the concept, but there is one quibble: you're overusing commas and misusing homonyms (your/you're, their/they're/their). I can't point out every single instance, but I can give a few examples and why.
Example one: A young child is a symbol of innocence, and purity.
Correction: innocence and purity
Reason: commas should not be used to seperate only two items on a list.
Example two: Although I didn't get paid, the love that these kids shower me everyday I go t Grace Place, is worth more, than any amount of money anyone can give me.
Correction: every day I go to Grace Place is worth more than
Reason: commas should not be used to seperate the subject and the verb phrase.
-I'm seeing this happen a lot throughout your essay. I don't really know the specifics about this sort of stuff, so the best I can recommend is maybe an online tutorial on comma usage.
I hope you get this message on time and in time to make corrections to your essay and impress whomever you're applying to.
No need for the commas in your title. No need for one here either:
...noticed they didn't have was a chorus.
Hey, you did not really write about them teaching you. Can you add 2 sentences to the first paragraph to explain what lessons they taught? What excellent qualities did they demonstrate? Maybe appreciation ofr simple things, or maybe how to be happy despite problems? Write about this at the beginning AND end.
