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'Teaching swimming lessons' - Common App Short Answer -- Extracurricular Activity


lovewater16 1 / 1  
Oct 22, 2011   #1
Help editing please?

"Garrison? Where'd you go?" I spin around, desperately scanning the surface of the water for movement.
"Right here!" shouts a voice behind me. I turn, and am unexpectedly greeted with splashes straight to the face. As I wipe the water from my eyes, I catch a glimpse of that huge smile and hear the contagious laugh that always convinces me to continue coaching, no matter how much the chlorine burns my eyes.

Teaching swimming lessons with Special Olympics not only has provided me with the opportunity to work with special needs kids, but also has taught me the importance of patience and dedication while helping others. The expression of excitement that paints a child's face as he finishes a lap in record time and punches the air above his head with pure delight is reward enough for the hours of coaching I commit. Knowing that my patience in the water has helped mentally disabled kids overcome adversity and provided them with a new friend never keeps me from coming back to the pool for practice.

Right now it's at 1004 characters (max is 1000), so I need to cut down something!
lnddancer 3 / 6  
Oct 23, 2011   #2
This is really good!

Teaching swimming lessons with Special Olympics not only has provided me with the opportunity to work with special needs kids, but also has taught me the importance of patience and dedication while helping others.

Delete this also, you don't need it and you will have the correct number of characters. Everything else is perfect and lovely. Will you go take a look at mine?
yihrenliu 1 / 14  
Oct 23, 2011   #3
Actually, for correct grammar, not only NEEDS to be followed by a "but also"
Teaching swimming lessons with Special Olympics has not only provided me with the opportunity to work with special needs kids, but also has taught me the importance of patience and dedication while helping others.

The expression of excitement that paints a child's face as he finishes a lap in record time and punches the air above his head with pure delight is reward enough for the hours of coaching I commit

Cut the "above his head" out, it interferes with the flow of your sentence. "is reward enough" should be changed to "is rewarding enough"

Other than that, great essay!
Could you give me feedback on mine? Thankssss


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