My environment is an assemblage of various cultures, which have shaped the type of person that I am today. I was born and raised in Dominican Republic into a family of 6 members. This molded me to learn about sharing and caring for my 3 siblings equally. I went to a catholic school until the eighth grade. This type if education is very strict and demanding which couches individuals to act with respect to others. There are so many skills and qualities that I apply today to my life and carry throughout my whole existence, where primarily build at home and school. My ability to communicate not only in Spanish and English, but also in Italian, permits me to be a part of this wonderful nation full of diversity.
These different values and skills that I have received from my parents and teachers throughout my childhood and adolescence have made me stronger in mind and body, a skeptical person, a better critical thinker, sociable, hard worker, a better person, but most important of all have made me reached all my goals that I have set in mind, and making me want more and more.
As today in all colleges I have been I have marked a path as a team leader and as a vice president as well as member of the honor student association. Putting my values and traditions together I have had a better acceptance by this wonderful nation.
I'm not sure about what the requirements are with regard to the length of the essay, in any case I feel that you do not give due service by failing to go in detail about your family life, school, etc. Your inability to properly elaborate on each point detracts from your paper and undermines your credibility. "There are so many skills and qualities that I apply today to my life and carry throughout my whole existence, where primarily build at home and school." This sentence is blatant filler material when you have scarcely attributed any of your paper to the origins and experiences which engendered these fine qualities you speak of. I recommend that you revisit the environment before you proceed into rattling off qualities in the person it made. That's just in addressing the framework of your paper, there are a multitude of grammar errors which are secondary.
-I was born and raised in (the) Dominican Republic
-I went to a catholic school until eighth grade
-This type if education is very strict and demanding, which couches individuals to act with respect to others.
-but most important of all, have made
-Today, I have marked a path as a team leader and as a vice president
-Putting my values and traditions together, I have found a better acceptance by this wonderful nation.
This taught me to learn about sharing and caring for my 3 siblings equally.
I went to a Catholic school until the eighth grade.
This type if education is very strict and demanding which teaches individuals to act with respect towards others.
There are so many skills and qualities that I apply today to my life and carry throughout my whole existence, where primarily build at home and school.
These different values and skills that I have received from my parents and teachers throughout my childhood and adolescence have made me stronger in mind and body, a skeptical person, a better critical thinker, sociable, hard worker, a better person, but most important of all have helped me reached all my goals that I have set in mind, and making me want more. and more.
As today in all colleges I have been I have marked a path as a team leader and as a vice president as well as member of the honor student association.
This sentence needs to be rewritten, it is unclear. Try this:
As of today, in all colleges I have attended been I have established myself as a team leader both as a vice president and as member of the honor student association.
Here are a few little fixes, but the essay is good overall.
Good luck in school!
:)
