Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)
When my team was posted to a day care during a youth rally, we noticed a baby with strabismus. As a child, my parents had ignored mine thinking I would outgrow it -a common misconception. I told the mother about surgery but she felt it too costly, so we started a fundraiser. It was hard to motivate people to make donations because crossed eyes didn't seem like a threat, but I knew the social stigma I faced and the scopophobia I developed because my eyes weren't normal. Home by home, we convinced people to stand up for the child and just when we thought we were making no progress, a huge donation came in from a man with strabismus. He had seen our fliers and he understood. He did a better job at spreading the word and convincing the mother to carry on with the operation. Through him we started an awareness program across hospitals in the state. This and an award of service was more than my team bargained for, but nothing made us happier than large number of parents who hearkened.
explain strabismus before you continue, because you talk about surgery, yet we don't knwo why its important yet till when you mention being cross-eyes several sentences later
You mention a donor, and then you refer to him via several pronouns -- "he". You should reiterate who "he" is. "The donor" had seen our fliers...
Don't say "Through him we started awareness...". No one is goign to make this mistake, but it almsot sounds like you used him... Say, With his help, we did such and such...
Nice experience, but you spend onyl the first half talking about what you did and you spend the rest talking abotu the group and another guy, and in the end, my final thought is not on you, it is on the guy, and that he deserves a commendation. At the end. you're speaking for the group "nothing made us happier"... should abstain from that in this case even if you are the leader because this essay is about you, what did "you" do, what did an experience mean to "you". Personalize this more. It's nice you're sticking to the truth, but talk about your personal involvement more. Elaborate on the first experience with the lady you talked to. What happened after that tlak? How did you feel about it? DId they do the surgery? If not, did you feel more compelled to do do x and y or what not.
Thank you. I have tons of other activities to write about but I don't want to risk looking proud.
Like this one:
Running for class president taught me to respect mortality as a leader. My opponent promised to rip the walls apart and install ACs in the freshman dorms all in less than a week, while I retorted that I would be focusing on "more important things". All I meant was increasing the rigor and prestige of the school was priority. Before I could explain my point, I had been portrayed as a despot. I lost the elections and joined the senate where I began working on expanding the Physics curriculum, honors program, athletics and of course, the cooling system. The amount of support I got made me realize that the students were truly interested in working, but not without a sense of comfort. Though I had a genuine vision for the school, disregarding the immediate needs of my comrades would nullify any achievement whatsoever. I knew it would take ages and tons of paperwork (and probably a hike in fees) to rewire the dorms, but I should have shown some effort.
I'll fix the first. Thank you very much.
I feel like you can go more in depth on this. Perhaps elaborate more about your feelings towards the disorder and what really pushed you into wanting this surgery. Maybe elaborate more on the difficulty you had the fun raisers, maybe there was some kind of obstacle you had to over come and how you did it. I think this will make a great essay, it just needs more details.
I didn't want that for child, so I started a fundraiser.
[
i]I wanted to save this child from what I went through and began a fundraiser.[/i]Home by home, I convinced people to stand up for the child and just when I thought I was making no progress,a huge donation came in from a man who had seen the fliers.
... well, the word "man" sounds a bit too rigid. It's better if you use another word that shows more respect and gratitude towards the person who helped you with this campaign. This is my suggestion;
We didn't make any progress with our home by home campaign to convince people to support this kid. However, our fliers found us a donor who volunteered to bare the cost of surgery.